


What is Not Broken

by realfakedoors



Series: Convictions & Captivity [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Family Feels, Fix-It of Sorts, Homeworld is Horrible, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, Injury Recovery, It's Not Paranoia If They're Really Out To Get You, Mute Steven, Ouch, Paranoia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protectiveness, Psychological Trauma, Team as Family, The Author Regrets Everything, guilt complex, pink connie, this is going to hurt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-06-09 12:07:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 33,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15267177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realfakedoors/pseuds/realfakedoors
Summary: It's not easy, being half-gem and half-human. Physically, that is. Healing tears don't work; and who knows what good a human hospital could do? Steven struggles to recover from a serious trauma, feeling like a burden no one knows quite how to fix.Sequel to Convictions & Captivity. (Adapted from Struck and Struck Again.)





	1. From the Warzone, to the Armistice

**Author's Note:**

> okay, okay. some explanation is probably in order.
> 
> 1\. welcome to the sequel of Convictions & Captivity! if you _have not_ read Convictions  & Captivity yet, it is strongly encouraged to do so to enjoy this story... buuuut if you're like me and, frankly, sometimes want to sink your teeth right into the story, I've developed a ["quick guide"](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1U6no0oLMf986HCghzIoKf63xXBTaEmAcdmHxjhCY5JM/edit?usp=sharing) to catch you up with the most important plot points. reading through this short document should be sufficient to understand what will be happening in the coming story.  
> 2\. after some serious thinking, I decided to suspend Struck and Struck Again in the interest of retooling the story to more suit how I... well, I suppose how I always wanted it to be. I intended the story to focus more heavily around Steven's trauma and subsequent recovery, but I failed to map out the plot and progression rate the first time, and I ended up concentrating too heavily on huge plot points from the get-go. it felt rushed, and messy, and I didn't want that.  
> 3\. if you've read Struck and Struck Again already, I want to express my most sincere thanks and warmth to you all - and, don't be surprised if we revisit some moments that suit the story here. the first chapter derives heavily from the beginning of SASA, but there are some significant changes as well. moving forward, expect every chapter to fundamentally be different, with occasional borrowing from moments of SASA as it fits the story.
> 
>  
> 
> SASA will always be something that is important to me, and I couldn't bring myself to delete it, or to change what's already there. I loved the story. I poured hours into it. but it quickly became a chore and not something I could dive into for _me_ , and it then became difficult to continue. it took some several serious discussions with some fellow writer friends for me to finally come to the decision to republish, under a new name with a new approach. that being said, I hope you understand and are willing to give _What is Not Broken_ a fair shake!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing hurts and everything is fine.  
> /sarcasm

It took a month of captivity for Steven to realize the magnitude of difference between safety and security. It may seem like semantics, but that was not the case - not for him, anyways.

Safety is a state of being, a bare minimum qualification, to be free of danger. If you are safe, then you won't get hurt. Simple, measurable; a threshold that drags you from the war zone to the armistice. But security? That was a feeling, an ideal, the _belief_ that you are free of danger. His heart throbbed painfully, wondering if he would ever feel that way again.

The cool of the night air played through the screen door, left open carelessly by Amethyst, and there was someone seated next to him as he rested in bed – his eyes were closed, so he wasn’t sure who it was, but he heard them shift occasionally. It wasn’t Pearl, Garnet, or Amethyst, he knew that much – they had just gone outside, their voices carrying in like a delicate breeze, a billow that make him shiver if not for the blankets, but that still left a long list of possibilities. Dani or Blue Pearl, possibly, given that they were both naturally quiet and likely had nowhere else to be. Connie, perhaps… but he wouldn’t dare let himself believe she was alive until he saw her with his own eyes, no matter what the others said. Part of him desperately wanted to peek through his lashes, hoping to dispel that ambiguity, but if it _wasn’t_ her…

A familiar sense of grief was threatening to drown him, to drag him into the black waters somewhere between denial and disbelief.

Connie was dead.

He saw her die; he all but killed her himself.

Hope was a luxury he couldn’t afford right now. Neither was time, yet, here he was - laying in bed, wasting it.

In many ways, Steven was reminded of how it felt to disable the light calibration in the Ruby Ship when they all went to space to rescue his Dad, but, unlike then, this feeling was permanent. Everyone was moving at a different pace, dragging behind while he was thrown forward, with no say in the matter no matter how desperately he tried to slow down. A puppet, his strings were taut, neck held still by a dangerous wire so he could not crane his head to see the hand above – but he need not search. The hand was white, dangerous, and ubiquitous. Her presence was everywhere and everything. He couldn’t shut his eyes without seeing her, couldn’t open them for fear she might be there.

White Diamond.

_I own them all, Steven._

Involuntarily, his breath caught in his throat, and he began to cough. The action hurt his throat a bit, like the disuse of his voice clawed up and down his windpipe with each rough passage of air. But that flash of pain was an afterthought, almost completely eclipsed by his reflex to rub his chest with an arm - his muscles screamed at him the moment he bent his right arm at the elbow, a white-hot stabbing flaring down to his wrist and all the way back to his shoulder.

“ _Ah_ ,” Steven breathed, clenching his teeth to keep from crying out. His pretend-sleeping was a waste now, so he opened his eyes as the stabbing sensation faded slightly. Beside him, Lion huffed with narrowed eyes.

_Thank the stars it’s not the Gems._

He had no idea how long he had been asleep, but it was dark outside and the only sounds were the faint trails of voices, carried by the curtails of moonlight. Steven slowly sat up, careful not to bend his right arm, and shifted to face the window.

Gazing outside, the sand glittered prettily under the bleached rays of the moon. It must be a cloudless night; the side of the cliff that faced his bedroom was unusually bright. The sight only brought on a fresh wave of frustration, though - each shimmer of pale light cast him back into his memories. He was only just _there_. Homeworld. His cell. White Diamond’s bubble room, the seamless metal slowly slipping away with his consciousness. The floor had been surprisingly warm for a place on Homeworld, but - no, wait, that had been the pool of blood.

Morbidly curious, Steven slightly lifted the blankets and examined his inner elbows. Both had been wrapped in a sort of protective gauze - probably Dani’s handiwork - so he could only imagine how they looked. The left side, he knew, was in worse shape from the scars the Diamond’s had given him, but the right one _hurt_. Badly. The sharp pain from earlier had subsided now that his arms were straight out in front of him, but the place where Blue Pearl had stabbed him still throbbed with each tremor of his pulse, blood racing in his veins. Steven hadn’t the adrenaline or nerve he’d worked up back on Homeworld, and he guessed he managed to ignore most of the pain the first time. Now, a dull stinging antropied his arm, rendering it mostly useless.

The voices of the others still floated in softly on curtails of the moonlight. He guessed they hadn’t heard him wake up, else they would likely be on their way in to see him already. Leaning back into his pillow again, Steven closed his eyes, heart thumping in its familiar, human rhythm.

 _Bum-bum._ The first impulse was strong, the other was almost an echo.

 _Bum-bum._ Blood coming in, blood going out.

 _Bum-bum._ It was befitting his emotions, flickering back and forth.

Shame, relief, shame, relief, shame, relief.

He shouldn’t be here. He wasn’t _supposed_ to be here.

Hadn’t he already agreed to leave this life behind?

Why, _why_ , did he want to stay so badly? Why was this bed so comfortable? Why did it make his heart flutter to remember how happy they looked when he first arrived on the beach?

To him, it felt like everything looked as if being viewed through a film into his old life; his entire existence had become an out-of-body experience. Being here in his earthly bed, basking in the protection and love of his family, the smell of the salty ocean air… it wasn’t his to enjoy, not anymore. He wanted it _so_ much, to join them in their sense of celebration, but the longer he was here, the more it felt like his place was on Homeworld.

Accepting that was not hard for him – he had come here under protest, anyways. It was the fact that he would have to leave, _again_. It would hurt the others, but he’d rather hurt them again than sign their death sentence. Still, that didn’t make the idea of betraying them any easier.

When he would get out of this bed, they would want him to stay. _Everyone_ would want him to stay. Pearl would probably want to cook him something to eat; Garnet might want to talk with him or set him in her lap; Amethyst may even want to joke around, ready to move past everything. His Dad probably would never let him out of his sight again. Even _White Diamond_ wanted him here, though he had only the faintest idea why. Some kind of mission, an errand, she claimed. He doubted it could be so simple.

Perhaps it was to drive him insane? If so, she would surely succeed; it was only a matter of time.

Steven decided to stay in bed just a little longer.

He managed to turn over on the mattress without making his arm spasm again, and he tried to ignore Lion staring at him. Steven knew should get up, go and tell them all about the dream. It had to be important, but his legs felt like they’d been replaced by lead and his head was much too cloudy to even remember the story straight.

> And it worked out _so well_ the last time you told them about a dream.

Steven grit his teeth and chose to ignore that. It was Opalite, and he had known they would be back. Truly, they had never really left, but he had managed to push the fusion’s voice away in the panic and rush of returning to Earth until now. Steven couldn’t even manage to feel surprised; all of his demons were inside him now, so even privacy was no longer private.

The last events of his time on Homeworld began to spin through his mind like a movie reel, watching himself go unconscious, looking at Blue Pearl’s severe frown, Danburite’s shock and gentle hands. Well, gentle with his arm - she had also slapped him.

Steven recognized he had been acting a fool – even White Diamond called him out on it – to come so close to dying again, and again, and again. But what else was he supposed to do?

They just… didn’t understand, _couldn’t_ understand. Steven did not want to die, did not want to serve Homeworld, did not want this responsibility thrust into his lap, but it didn’t matter what he _wanted_. It was about what _she_ wanted, and he had no doubt she would get whatever that was, whether or not he complied.

Sighing heavily, Steven adjusted so he was facing the ceiling. The air was chilly, but refreshing, and he realized no one was speaking outside anymore. They would likely come in to check on him any minute now. Dully, Steven decided to stay in bed.

 

* * *

 

 

Lapis was trying her best to bite her tongue, to just listen and not argue, but this conversation was just beyond mind-numbing. Her blue hands shook in anger, so she clenched them tighter and grit her teeth together.

“It is not my place to give you such information.” Danburite said flatly, directed to Pearl and Garnet, who seemed frustrated as well.

Pearl pinched her nose and closed her eyes, trying to calm her worn nerves. “I _know_ you don’t think you should tell us, but I assure you, this would be for the best. He doesn’t need to relive what happened, and we will find out eventually. Please.”

Moving a hand to Pearl’s shoulder, Garnet stepped forward. Neither Danburite nor the fusion could see the eyes of the others, both sporting opaque visors, but the stare was not lacking in intensity.

“Danburite. I know you are trying to protect him, but, we need to know what happened up there. Time may be of the essence,” she gestured towards the starry sky. “How did you escape?”

Lapis was listening to the back and forth, but she was studying the sea, seated in the sand. A little bit down the beach, Peridot, Amethyst, and Connie were walking along the shore, whispering among themselves. The blue gem recognized it wasn’t exactly right to eavesdrop, but she thought they were going to make decisions as a _team_. Right now, Pearl and Garnet were acting totally independent, not asking anyone’s opinion of this sort of inquiry.

Blue Pearl, she was pretty sure, was standing somewhere near the house. So wispy, her fellow blue gem was nearly invisible in the moonlight, washed a pretty powdery color, so Lapis did not bother to seek her out. It’s not like Blue Pearl was much of a conversationalist.

Then there were the humans – Steven not included, of course. Lapis peeked behind her shoulder, looking where the pavement met the sand – the boardwalk, she’s pretty sure Steven called it – and there was the boy’s father. He was in his van, the backdoor wide-open, but he was with other humans she did not recognize. Given that they arrived with Connie, however, she guessed they were the _Ma-hays-war-ins_.

Lapis turned back around, wearily casting a glance at Danburite. Her face was seamlessly blank.

“I ask you try to understand my position. I brought Steven here under a pretense of trust. I cannot tell you what I do not feel is mine to share. You _must_ ask Steven. That which is my information to share, I will do so.”

 _Good. I think I like Dani after all_.

Pearl nodded, glad to have some sort of progress, but she wasn’t exactly hopeful. The fusion said nothing.

Dani crossed her arms, evidently uncomfortable. “I carried Steven, because he was unconscious. Pearl, as you know,” she nodded her head in the general direction of the house. Blue Pearl.

“Arrived here with another Pearl, bubbled. We went through the Military District, found the other Pearl, and then we warped to where I had left my vessel on Homeworld. Steven’s pulse was running incredibly low, and he had lost approximately... 2 liters of blood. Based off his body mass, I would estimate he was somewhere between second and third stage hemorrhaging. It is my belief his brachial artery was nicked, but only just. A few centimeters the other direction and he would have bled out within minutes.”

Pearl was visible disturbed by this - she hadn’t know the extent of his physical injuries. He had seemed even weaker by the time he arrived, but it was difficult for her to distinguish that from his general sickly appearance due to Homeworld’s negligence.

When neither Pearl nor Garnet had anything to say, Danburite continued. “He slipped into hypvolemic shock by the time we warped to where I had left my vessel on Homeworld. From there, we encountered one Binnite and another Pearl, but they did not seem concerned with where we were going. Then, we left, and I had some supplies on board that I used to stabilize him. Steven woke up about an hour before we arrived.”

Privately, Garnet was beginning to feel her metaphorical blood begin to boil, but she tried to keep the tremor from her tone.

“Danburite – Dani. Thank you. You understand humans in a way we do not, and if not for you, we would have lost him. But, tell me… Are you able to explain _how_ he lost the blood? Or how you’re… not shattered anymore. Anything else might be helpful. Blue Pearl, Yellow Pearl. Please.”

The Homeworld gem was silent for so long, Garnet wondered if she heard her. Just when she was prepared to repeat herself, Danburite’s mouth fell into a frown.

“I’m not sure if I can answer anything else. Much of this is Steven’s story to share, not mine.”

Gently, Pearl shook her head. “That’s true, but he’s… been hurt, obviously. We want to make it easier on him, so he doesn’t have to relive what happened.”

“...No, I am finished.”

“Dani - wait - you don’t understand!”

“I can’t listen to this!” Lapis bolted into the air, water wings expanding automatically. She felt anger rumble in her chest, almost ready to scream at the others.

Pearl blinked several times, confused and surprised, but Garnet had considered the possibility of Lapis getting upset – she had just hoped the blue gem would restrain herself.

“You are both being so… so _selfish!_ Do you hear yourselves? You’re trying to force her to talk about something she obviously doesn’t want to. I don’t think you’re being fair to her, _or_ to Steven. Sure, maybe he doesn’t want to talk about it, but maybe he _needs_ to talk about it. Why don’t we just _ask_ him?”

Peridot, Amethyst and Connie stopped their walk along the beach, tuning in at the sudden outburst. They had tried to stay out of it, hoping Steven would just wake up before things reached this point.

Pearl huffed in annoyance and straightened her posture, stepping towards Lapis. “You are _out of line_ , Lapis. I know you care for Steven, and I know _you’ve_ been through a lot, but he is much, much younger than us. He isn’t just a child – I realize that – but do you think making him relive all of that… that… _trauma_ is the right thing to do?”

Lapis grunted in frustration, ready to retort, but Danburite spoke up then.

“Please, stop," she said, stepping between them with hands raised. "I understand the psychology of human children, and he indeed should not be tasked with re-experiencing this trauma, but, it is not my place to tell you, either. Steven…” she dropped her hands, looking at her palms. She flexed her fingers a few times. “Steven should be the one who makes the decision to share with you. It will be crucial to reestablishing trust… But, there is one thing I _can_ tell you.”

She removed her visor and looked directly towards Garnet. “He - there may have been mistakes in his approach. Indeed, some of his actions were downright irresponsible and foolish. But, from the start, Steven has been trying to protect you. From the moment he opened his eyes in the human health ward, he would not stop talking about his… his _family_.” Dani glanced up at Lapis, still hovering slightly above eye-level. “It is… beyond obvious that he cares about you all. So, please, do not fight. I am sure that would only upset him more.”

Her fingers still twitched even after she was done speaking, but only because she had the instinct to make notes, file a report, to do something she understood. Fruitless arguing, wasted sentimentality, cross-fusions… these were _not_ things she could make heads-or-tails of. Perhaps, she wondered, there is something about Earth that enhances irrationality.

Lapis said nothing, but flew to the top of the stone-carved woman to be alone. Dani walked past her conversation partners to the water, crouching down as the waves crept up to meet her feet. How odd this planet – so much water, yet, it is unsafe for human consumption. Too much sodium chloride, she knew from logs of colonization. The chemical imbalance was likely as old as the gems that inhabit this planet now.

Curiously, she dipped a finger into the wet sand. The odd sensation interested her - neither solid nor liquid, it sort of collapsed under her mass. After several quiet seconds, she realized the green gem ( _Peri_ , she reminded herself) and the diminutive Amethyst had approached her. Dani’s shoulders slackened by a few degrees when she saw they were both smiling non-threateningly. She could hear the voice of the pink human child that had been with the pair moving away.

Amethyst spoke first. “Tough break, Dansbury. A four-way feud with Pearl, Garnet, _and_ Lapis on your first day? Man, that’s bad.”

Scoffing, Peridot responded before she had the chance. “Hardly. I for one, Danburite, think you’re off to a great start on Earth. I spend the first several weeks of my habitation here fearing for my life. Then, these clods took my limb enhancers,” she shot a glance at Amethyst, who rolled her eyes. “And trapped me in a bathroom.”

“As I recall, you locked _yourself_ in the bathroom, dude. We were happy to put you back in a bubble.”

Peridot grimaced and the two bickered momentarily. Dani merely raised an eyebrow at the new information, but had nothing to comment. The ‘Crystal Gems’ were quite presumptuous to think she would be staying; it had only been a few hours since they arrived. More than anything, Dani felt she needed to talk with Steven and check on his health, and then she could plan for whatever came next.

Amethyst tilted her head to one side, looking at Dani curiously. “Uh, what’cha doing there?”

She looked down, unsure of the purple gems meaning; she had moved her fingers through the dense sand and made a little hole.

“Hmm," Danburite crunched the grit between her fingers, watching it fall into a pile of clumps by her feet. She straightened her posture and, consequently, dwarfed the two gems in her company. "Actually, I am not sure why I did this. Likely satiating an unconscious desire for activity in my now-absent automated digits. Touch stumps are the best I have, but their inadequacy irks me.”

Peridot nodded solemnly, but Amethyst just looked at her like she had begun speaking in Yiddish. The green gem opened her mouth to respond, but before she could, the purple one shapeshifted suddenly and adopted some strange human garb – a tall hat, a glass protector for only one of her vision spheres, some sort of cape or coat that was too long in the back but cropped appropriately in the front. To be honest, Danburite thought it was one of the strangest things she’s ever seen.

“I _do_ say, we need not use such _nerd_ language in these parts, hmm, yes, _most_ right.” Her voice went strange and inflected at unnatural points, and the green gem started to laugh. Humor on Earth, Dani guessed, so she gave them a small smile. She did appreciate the effort, even if the comedy was lost on her.

 

* * *

 

 

Priyanka was giving Greg a skeptical look, so he tried to reassure her.

“Really, it’s okay. They argue a lot, but, it’s only because they care. I promise.” He tried to add an extra punch of confidence in his voice. The Maheswarans _seemed_ to buy it, at least on the surface, so they all returned to the conversation at hand.

Doug was nodding thoughtfully, considering what Greg had been telling them about some of the… easier to explain powers. So far, he had managed to talk about Steven’s healing powers, which seemed to satisfice the narrative on what happened to his daughter (at least partially), why there were so few of them by touching on the subject of the war, and he had just gone a little more in-depth with, well, Garnet.

Fusion wasn’t a foreign concept in sci-fi, so Doug seemed to pick up on that fairly easily.

“Well… they certainly do look like a curious bunch when you look at them all like this. I guess it explains the whole dinner fiasco when we first met.”

Sighing, Greg chuckled weakly. “Yeah… sorry, again, about that. Steven just wanted to make a good first impression.”

Priyanka frowned. “Meaning?”

He looked at Doug, who gave him a very tiny shake of the head – _sorry, you’re on your own._

“Well… I figured you both knew that Steven and Connie, um, _care_ about each other. But that’s not really my business.”

Greg was eyeing the woman fearfully, her face as hard as stone, but she eventually broke out into a sudden laugh. “I-I’m sorry, Greg. I couldn’t resist. I’m not _dull_ ; although, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit rueful over it. They’re both too young.” She was watching her daughter move along the beach to Pearl and the leader – Garnet, the fusion, as she came to understand.

Heart beating a little too fast, Greg chortled nervously. “Y-Yeah… Good one…”

“But anyways, you were saying?”” Priyanka’s voice was all business once again.

Clearing his throat, Greg returned to their earlier topic. “R-right. So, these are the Gems in action. Well, not in-action, not really, but you know what I mean. Feel free to stop me at any time with questions, but, I guess the only other really important thing is the deal with Lapis and Peridot – the blue one who just yelled, and the little green one.”

They nodded, prompting him to continue.

“They aren’t like Pearl, Garnet, and Amethyst – they haven’t been around forever. I mean, they have, but not on Earth. They only came to call Earth home within the past year. Steven convinced them both to stay, for the same reason his mother wanted to protect this place. It has something their world doesn’t – freedom.”

Doug shifted to face the fellow father, although he was still watching the magical beings at the end of the beach. Connie was smiling, speaking to the one he knew to be her sword instructor.

“I’ll be honest, Greg... When you called us, there was no way we would have declined bringing Connie out here, even if it’s now,” he glanced at his cell phone. “Almost midnight. I know this means a lot to her. And I really do appreciate all of the information you’ve given us, it’s… helpful, to have some context. Connie only tells us so much, and I get it – this is all pretty crazy.”

He scoffed at himself – it was a _lot_ crazy, but now was not the time for pointless semantics.

“But, I don’t know if she’s going to be allowed to keep coming back after tonight. Don’t you… get worried?”

Pursing his lips, Greg said nothing at first, considering the question. He couldn’t say he blamed them, watching Connie wave at the others and walk towards the house – she was likely checking on Steven, all of them poking their head in occasionally to make sure he was still asleep in the safety of his bed.

Sighing, the man ran a hand through his hair as he chose his words with care. “Parenting in this sort of messed up world is… not easy. I realize you have a lot to work on with her, figuring out what’s going to be the new normal, but… yeah. I do worry. A lot.”

“I’m not even sure what I will do about Steven now that he’s back," Greg continued, his tone weary with the burden of truth. "I don’t want him to be in harm’s way again, but, I don’t even know if I could stop him.”

After a pause, the woman standing in front of the van turned and took a seat next to Greg. She looked exhausted, which was probably befitting a doctor.

Whatever mask of resolve she had been managing to keep up cracked the moment she sat, surprising Greg. Dark circles rimmed wet, red eyes.

“I-I don’t know what to tell her - what could we _possibly_ tell her to make her want to stay at home with us? I don’t want her to resent us, but, who knows if this… _pink_ thing will last? We…” she took a steadying breath, and Greg waited patiently.

“I can’t help but draw comparisons to my work… it feels like I’m telling a patient’s family that their loved one’s condition is terminal, but now I’m on the other side of things. Pearl said she was _fading_ – she could be gone in an hour, or tomorrow, or never. I, we, don’t know, and I just want to spend every second with her.” She dropped her face in her hands, leaning forward on her knees in an unexpected, and particularly uncharacteristic, show of vulnerability.

Honestly, Greg did not know what to say, and Doug was still silent, watching the others.

After a few minutes, Priyanka let out a light chuckle, although she didn’t sound very amused. “How do we _do_ this, Greg? How do _you_ do it? Even if she continues to live through this… pinkness, if we keep her away from the Gems, this _magic_ and the monsters and traveling to space... she’ll be miserable. I... if we let her go into it, she might _really_ die this time.” Her voice was hard, and he couldn’t fault her for struggling. These were the same questions he asked himself every day, wondering if Steven was going to live to see the next sunrise.

Doug chimed in, his voice low. “On the one hand, it feels like we might ruin whatever time she has left. But on the other, it feels like we’re enabling her to be reckless, and what would we do if she were to…” The man didn’t finish the sentence, but he didn’t have to. The unspoken word was heavy in the weight of their shared silence.

_If she were to die._

That hurt to even think about - Connie, so sweet and mature - dead. It brought a shiver to his spine.

Desperately, Greg wanted to come up with something to say to the Maheshwarans - some sort of encouraging words or firm supply of advice. He's been living with this constant fear, the ever-living ghost of danger, since the day Steven was born. Maybe since the day he met Rose, if he were honest - but that had been _his_ life being put at risk, in order to be with Rose. Now? This was accepting and supporting his son to do... well, whatever it is the Gems do. Defend Earth, defend humanity, stand up for freedom and all that Rose believed in. A unexpected little punch of guilt twisted in his stomach, and bitterness scratched his throat when unwelcome feelings of resentment crept into his chest.

He didn't resent the Gems - did he? Sure, they were the ones who were responsible for his safety, but he'd been compliant in the craziness, so if anyone should be held accountable, it should be him. And, okay, they were supposed to bring him back unharmed. In appearances, he _seemed_ unharmed, but... Greg couldn't shake the desperate call of his voice before Garnet tucked him to into bed, when they first landed. _Fear_. Steven was a lot of things - empathetic, silly, even-tempered - but afraid? The dark had never scared him when he was little. Roller-coasters, new places, strangers; none of it had ever been enough to make Steven so much as quiver. The kid had been bold since the day he was born. And heck, he literally fought _monsters_ every other day - Steven's tenacity and strong sense of will had been one of things Greg always admired most about it, was most proud of. He put all others before himself, in spite of any harm that could come to him (to Greg's chagrin, perhaps, but it would be fruitless to deny that).

So, then, what could have _happened_ up there to cause such a... a deep, almost horrified sense of _terror_ in his son? Did Greg even want to know?

A low sigh escaped him, realizing the Maheshwarans were expecting some sort of answer, but Greg was sincerely unsure of what he could possibly say to them. How do you comfort someone when you don’t even know how to deal with those same worries?

He started to formulate an answer slowly. “Well… if I may speak freely, I _think_ … you should let her choose what she wants. I know that’s… hard.” He felt his own chest tighten, thinking about his son.

“It’s what got Steven into all of this in the first place, so I probably sound like a hypocrite, but..." Greg paused, sucking in a deep inhale of salty ocean air. It helped, but only a bit. "He’s tied to it, all of this magic and madness, whether I like it or not. And, now, your daughter is too. If we try to keep them from it, we’ll not only hurt their feelings, but we might even put them in danger. There’s a lot about Steven I don’t understand, still, and now you’ve got this thing going on with Connie. The Gems are the best teachers and protectors on this planet when it comes to this sort of thing, and who knows what sort other stuff might start to surface after all of this mess. They’re – heh, they’re so _strong_ ,” he snickered lightly. Both Maheswarans were looking at him, not expecting the laughter, looking miffed. Greg quickly explained himself.

“They’re really something else, these kids. They’ve seen more and done more than most adults, and lived to tell about it. It’s incredible – _they’re_ incredible. You don’t need to take my advice; I would take Steven and head straight for the hills if I wouldn’t have Pearl chasing me to the ends of the Earth over him.” He smiled at the image.

“But if I can at least suggest one thing, be proud of her. She’s done some amazing things. They both have.”

They were silent for a while after that, but Doug was smiling. Priyanka looked thoughtful, mulling over his words, but she could not resist the grin that spread across her own face when her husband placed a hand on her shoulder. They _were_ proud of her; she really was incredible. Greg watched in relief as the family came to some sort of acceptance of the situation, glad he could be of some small amount of help. It felt a little odd to put his confidence in something he was so unsure about, but what choice did he have? The Gems were, once again, his only hope.

 

* * *

 

 

Steven stiffened when he heard the screen door open, quickly followed by light footsteps plodding up the stairs to his room. It only sounded like a single pair, but he couldn’t tell who it was just by the creak of the floorboards. For some reason, Steven had instinctively shut his eyes and pretended to be asleep once again. It was silly, of course; he would have to get up eventually.

There was a long silence after, and he guessed they were watching him sleep. Vaguely, he guessed it was Pearl from how lightly they stepped, and he knew she had a tendency to watch him sleep anyways. That only served to make him more nervous, though. Could she tell when he was faking? She would know how he sleeps, so he probably couldn't fake for very long.

After about another minute, they spoke quietly, and his heart started to hammer in his chest. Lion was making that cooing noise when he would nuzzle into someone. So they were petting him.

“Oh, Lion…” Her voice was full of affection, and the fact that Connie was standing less than a foot away settled into his soul. Relief, so much relief, flooded his mind that Steven almost began to cry outright. She was alive. Alive. Alive. He couldn’t believe it. He had to see her - to make absolutely sure.

Steven peeked through his lashes and watched as she began to stroke Lion’s mane. Her skin contrasted against the beast's fur, and while the pigment was similar, her skin appeared a few shades darker. Honestly, Steven couldn’t decide if that was reassuring or disconcerting. After a muted sigh, she pulled her hand back and looked up, back towards him, and she gasped.

“S- _Steven_?” Connie blinked, making sure he really was awake.

Sitting up carefully, Steven was glad for the blankets – his legs were still sore from the lashes, and he didn’t want her to see them.

His mouth felt drier than the desert he found Lion in, so he didn’t open his mouth. What could he say to her, anyways? Lapis had mentioned this, but he hadn’t known what to expect – she really was pink. Really pink. Standing next to Lion only exacerbated how absolutely _pink_ she was. She was pink - did he mention that?

And before Steven could do much else besides catalogue all the ways a single color could look so pretty, Connie flew forward and grasped him in a hug. The affection was unexpected, though not unwelcome, but he flinched instead of returning the embrace.

That was okay, he decided. A hug meant she was alive, she was smiling, she was breathing and her voice sounded like his favorite song. She was pink, but holding him, not hurting him. They weren’t fearing for their lives in the bottom of a Homeworld Kindergarten, he wasn’t holding her as the last wisps of her life slipped away.

No, this Connie pulled back, beaming. Her face fell when she noticed the caution in his eyes.

Lowering her voice, Connie made her smile gentler. “It’s okay, Steven. I’m okay. You’re okay.” She sat slowly on the edge of his bed, measuring his reaction, and her fingers had crept to hold his hand. He hated that, even so happy to see her, he couldn’t stop from wincing at her touch.

She tried to hide it, but Steven could tell his reaction hurt her. He moved his hand back, putting on something like a reassuring smile. She did not return the expression, but did not withdraw her hand. The others outside had grown quiet, and it seemed the outside world wanted them to be still for that moment.

But that was the outside world – inside, Steven found his lungs were on fire. His palms had grown sweaty, which only made him more nervous since their fingers were touching. Deliberately, Steven took a deep breath and fixed his gaze on her eyes. She was like a rose, so bright and full of life, but he couldn’t help but worry that she might wilt.

He squeezed her thin pink hand lightly, and pulled his own away. In truth, Steven wasn’t sure when he started to cry, but when a warm droplet fell on his wrist he quickly wiped his cheeks. A breeze crept through the house, and he shuddered under the blankets while Connie watched with a serious expression on her face. His eyes were drawn out to the white sand below, a landscape lacking color just behind his window. The way it shined under the moonlight made him feel like White Diamond was piercing him with her gaze – was she? She was in his mind, could she see everything? Hear everything? Was she the one asking these questions right now – or was it him?

_I own everything._

Steven let his face drop into his hands, ashamed and afraid and terribly empty. How do you tell someone who was taken away from you, then mercifully returned, that you love them, that you were sorry, that you would never have let this happen if you had known? They were supposed to do this together, face things together, but Steven had never felt so alone in his entire life. The only things he felt like he had left were his scars and the voices that bounced in the back of his mind.

Very gently, Connie placed a hand on his calf from above the blanket. Steven resisted the urge to move away; he didn’t want to hurt her feelings again.

“Steven… is there anything I can do? Can I help?”

Biting his lip, Steven didn’t know how to respond. Honesty was hard when you didn’t know the truth yourself.

Instead of forcing an answer, for which he was hugely relieved, Connie withdrew her hand and lowered her posture slightly, trying to catch his eye. “Steven, you know it’s not your fault what happened out there. I’m not mad at you. Nobody’s mad at you. You’re not on Homeworld, because I’m not on Homeworld. Right now, you’re with me, and I’m not going anywhere. You’re here _with_ me. Forget about the Gems, and my parents, and Homeworld, and all of it. Just for one second, please?”

Her voice was so sweet, like the soft sigh of summer, and Steven could do nothing but stare back at her.

They were only inches away, and for just a second, he managed to do what she asked. It was just her, and him, and nobody else, and it was perfect. Softly, he leaned his forehead forward so they touched, like the first time they fused, and closed his eyes. No wince or cringe, just a simple touch, a demonstration of trust.

After several seconds, a smirking Connie leaned backwards and looked him straight in the eye.

“The gems will want to know you’re awake. Is that okay? They want to see you, but if it’s too much…”

Instead of answering, Steven found his attention drift to her shoulder. Something about it was bothering him, and not the fact that she had cut her hair. It looked very pretty, actually, but something about it made his hands clammy, and the air seemed thicker, harder to force into his protesting lungs.

Connie managed to follow his eye, and she let out a small laugh and flipped the ends around her shoulder. “Oh, yeah. My haircut. It was sort of an accident, back when we were beating some Homeworld goons. I think it turned out pretty well, once we got home and I could sort of fix it in a mirror. What do you think?”

He thought it looked amazing. It did. She always did, but that wasn’t what the voice in his head was telling him. No, Opalite’s voice was there, replaying a memory that wasn’t his - it didn’t feel complete, probably because it was neither his nor Opalite’s, but it belonged to the third being. Still, he was able to pick out enough, clouded the memories were around the edges.

> His hands were grabbing her. Steven had a boot planted firmly into Connie’s back, and he was holding his Mom’s sword. Oh. His hand was blue. Why was he taking the sword to Connie’s -- no, no, no, _wait!_ But his arms didn’t listen to his brain, and he was slicing, but through hair instead of flesh. Bewildered, Steven lifted up the remains of Connie’s disheveled plait, staring at it in confusion.

That was it. Holly Blue had tried to kill her.

Steven tugged gently on the blanket corner, silently asking her to get up so he could get out of bed. He tried to tell himself it wasn’t because he couldn’t bare to look Connie in the eye, that what he really needed was to tell the Gems what he knew. Time. He didn’t have enough of it. They needed to know, he needed to get out of the bed - he needed --

Why do they deserve your honesty? They were never honest with you.

Shaking his head, Steven pushed one of his hands into his temple. Connie was looking at him a bit anxiously, but she made no move to stop him.

Inhaling sharply, Steven placed a hand against the wall at the top of the stairs, closing his eyes. He had not realized how faint he was until he stood up – how long has it been since he’s eaten? He may have access to food now, but he knew nothing would taste very good. Once again, all of _this_ was an extension of White Diamond, she was _letting_ him be here, _letting_ him eat, _letting_ enjoy this moment with Connie. He couldn’t do anything without feeling an invisible collar around his throat, the voice of White Diamond in his mind, her icy voice chilling the blood beneath his veins.

The longer he was here, he was certain the worse things would be. She said he would be back soon – how soon was soon? What would happen if he came back too soon? Too late? Would she hurt them?

“Steven, what’s wrong? Maybe you should sit, I can go get the others… Please, Steven, talk to me. I can help.” Connie moved closer, pleading with him.

A million things he wanted to say burned his throat, but there was acid being poured down his windpipe that would not let up. His head was starting to throb, and the walls of the testing room were starting to disappear. Air. He needed _air_. Why wasn't he breathing? He tried to breathe, again, and again, and again, and again, _and again, and again._ It wasn't working. Was he dying? Had White Diamond changed her mind and thrown him out to space? No, this was different - the Sapphire! Yes, that was it. The White Sapphire had shared her future vision with him. He was still on Homeworld. Any moment now, Peridot would show up and collect his healing tears again, and he'd be able to breathe. She would repeat those words - he knew them, he knew them so well, and right now he absolutely craved to hear them again.

 _Log Date._ She would say some date that meant very little to him. It was the only way Steven had managed to track the time. _This is Peridot. Preparing Secondary Level Trial._ Where had they left off? Trial sixteen? _Reactionary lachrymation has been extracted successfully at each stage. Beginning trial._ They would be onto the next one in mere moments. He just needed to hear her first., and then he could breathe again.

If he could just wait, just resist the pressure threatening to drown him in his own memory, he would hear Peridot again. Those few words, that short break in between - it had to be soon. It had to be. He couldn't last much longer. Gasping. Air. He needed air.

The ground swung around and he felt the chill of Homeworld's empty atmosphere break across his brow, the weight of hollow eyes analyzing every inch of him. White Diamond. He couldn't fail, the Gems needed him - they needed him to do this. He had to do this!

“Steven, are you okay?”

The words were sarcastic, false, another trick. He would have spit on her feet if it didn't mean punishment. White Diamond didn't care how he _felt_. It was just another ploy, another part of the game. He was losing. He was losing. She was going to kill him. He was going to have to kill his family. He had already killed Connie. He couldn’t do this. He said he could, but he can’t. He can’t. He can’t.

A hand a thousand times too small to be _her_ came to his shoulder, and he yelped and backed away. White Pearl, coming to escort him to the throne room? Or was it Holly Blue Agate? Steven couldn't bare either of them right now, so he just squeezed his eyes shut, trying to wake up, to _breathe_ again. Peridot. Soon.

There was movement somewhere nearby, frantic sounding. Had Blue Pearl and Danburite made it off-planet? He hoped so. If they were safe, then he could just fall asleep, maybe bleed out, maybe be healed. It didn't matter, because he had held up his end of his Diamond's agreement. He stayed behind. He fused. He did what he was told, and the Earth would be safe.

Slumping to the ground, Steven's pulse finally started to even out, and the blood wasn't rushing in his ears anymore. Peridot must be coming soon. The tears were streaking down the wrong side of his face, but maybe she would just use her floaty fingers to grab them with the vial. It wasn't important; what was important was now he could rest again. Exhausted, empty, merciful sleep.

On Homeworld, White Diamond had no need to visit his dreams like she had on Danburite’s ship. Living was worth it so long as he could go to bed at the end of the day, back in his cell. No invasive presence in his brain, no fake attempts at being happy, no pretending everything was okay. It wasn't okay, and that was okay. Steven let the sleep come, curled against the ground, wondering what was taking Peridot so long.

 


	2. We Can Think About Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Way outside their comfort zones, the Gems learn there's no such thing as an easy way out when healing from trauma.

"What happened?" Lapis demanded, her tone borderline predatory. She stood at the end of Steven’s bed, eyeing Pearl cuddled up beside him. He would tremble or sigh heavily every so often, but Pearl had managed to dispel most of those instances by petting his hair or humming a quiet little lullaby into his ear.

Dr. Maheswaran held a hand to his wrist, measuring his pulse. She looked towards the demanding blue gem with a strained expression, then turned her attention to Garnet. Nearby, Danburite fluttered around the doctor, moving to observe the woman’s approach to a human physical examination.

"His breathing has steadied, and his pulse is… it's slower than what I would think is normal for his age - mind you, I’m not a pediatrician - but that's probably a factor of the malnutrition. If he were my patient, I'd recommend we take him to the hospital to make sure the rest of vitals are normal, and maybe start an IV if he can't keep down food. I wouldn't be surprised if he can’t. Do you have any idea of his diet?"

A single brow arced above Garnet's visor, and she turned to the white gem peering over her shoulder.

"I don’t. Danburite may know."

"Yes," the gem answered mildly, almost as an afterthought. "His diet was supplied primarily by supplements composed of different proteins, carbohydrates, electrolytes and basic vitamins. As best I am aware, Steven has not had any source of nutrition that has not come from these since his early holdings on Blue Diamond's ship, at which time he was being fed the same bioengineered substances that sustain my subjects at the Zoo. Unfortunately, after he left my supervision, I do not know the frequency or portion sizes that were being supplied to him; I was only directed to explain what he needed to the ones assigned to guard him."

Dr. Maheswaran nodded, though she looked less than pleased to be receiving this prognosis after one in the morning.

"I see... In that case, my recommendation still stands, given that we have no idea of how much or how little he was being fed. And the blood loss is another problem," she gestured at his freshly bandaged arm. Danburite had insisted that she be the one to wrap it, and Priyanka didn’t complain. "If he's been underfed, he’ll have a hard time recovering from the wounds. I’m most concerned about the two on his right arm, with his diet, the risk of infection is high. Any bruising will be slow to heal as well. He needs protein, more than anything.”

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Greg scratched his neck anxiously. He and Pearl met eyes.

"Thank you, Dr. Maheswaran. We’ll… think about it. Taking Steven to the hospital is sort of, er, tricky," the man explained, sounding plenty frustrated. He busied himself by tucking the blanket a little more securely around Steven when the boy shivered in his sleep.

Pearl's lip was so thin it had turned nearly invisible, and she looked almost as terrible as Steven. Wide half-crescent circles, dark against her pale skin, dragged down the bags beneath her eyes.

"His gem physiology makes things complicated. We took him to a few doctors when he was a child, but, ah, his gem raised a lot of questions and requests for rather... _invasive_ examinations,” She wrinkled her nose at the memory, straightening slightly. “Still I’d rather him be healthy around nosy doctors than at risk of infection here at home. But… more than that, I’m worried about him being _in_ a hospital. They’re very, um... white. I’m worried that they might be too… familiar for him right now.”

She glanced sidelong at Blue Pearl, spotting the silent gem occupying as little space as possible in the corner by the television, and said nothing else.

The woman sighed and stood from her kneeling position beside the bed, running a hand through her hair. "I understand, Steven isn't... his status is not normal. And while my recommendation as a medical professional is still _hospital_ , I have to say... given his age and condition, it's likely CPS may get involved. I imagine that could only stand to make things more complicated."

She frowned down at the boy. He was already small for his age, and beneath the covers, he seemed positively tiny. Pale and trembling, a troubled frown covered the usual sight of peace one expected with sleeping children.

In Priyanka's line of work, she knew it wasn’t just likely, but almost a guarantee that CPS would try to involve themselves in this, and the last thing this family needed was someone else trying to take their son away. Judging from what Connie and Greg had shared with her, she was sure they'd had enough of that for a lifetime.

Pearl raised her head a few inches, looking between the doctor and Greg.

"CPS?" She repeated, cautiously.

"Child Protective Services," a strained-sounding Greg answered. He started to explain, with help from Connie's mother, the presence of social workers in hospitals and the kinds of questions that might arise given his condition. Lapis grimaced as the conversation turned increasingly grim - words like “neglect” and “abuse” made her shake with rage. Danburite merely frowned, quizzing the doctor occasionally, and Garnet remained predictably silent.

Below, Connie, Peridot, and Amethyst occupied the couch in tense silence, listening to the conversation unfold with a mix of severe and concerned curiosity. The usually lively purple gem could only muster a weak smile when she caught sight of the guilt in Connie's expression.

"Hey, dude, it's okay. It's not like you knew this would happen."

Connie looked dejectedly at the floor, her brow drawn together. "I know, but... I should have just come and gotten one of you when he woke up - he, I don't know what even happened. He seemed okay at first, just quiet. He was responsive, though. But when he stood up it was like he wasn't able to hear me at all. He just sort of... collapsed."

The story sounded the same as the first eight times she told it, but the desire to repeat it again, to maybe make sense of it _if she just told it one more time…_

Frowning, Peridot seemed to be studying the woodgrain of the table. "You said that was when he started asking for... _me_?"

The human girl nodded, rubbing her eyes in her palms momentarily. "Yes... It was just really weird. He didn’t talk at all to me, not directly, but then he kept saying _no_ , and he kept asking for you specifically, and then he fell back when I tried to put my hand on his shoulder. That's when I came outside and got everyone."

"But what about before?" Amethyst asked, blinking. "You said he was normal at first?"

Connie nodded, but did not lower her hands. "Yes. He was... _acting_ like normal, for the most part. Jumpy, but he didn’t say anything. He was looking around and looking at me and stuff.” She dropped her hands and her voice, glancing at the adults deep in conversation above. "I'm not sure about what, but he seemed really, _really_ freaked out for a bit. He was just staring out the window, and I... he was scared, of something."

Peridot pressed her lips together, and Amethyst twisted her wrist in circles, wrapping  a piece of hair idly.

"This whole thing is messed up," she eventually offered. "I hate this."

"Me too," Connie said with a mirthless chuckle.

Peridot remained quiet, thoughtfully gazing at nothing in particular. Something didn't seem right about this whole situation and it was really starting to bother her.

Well, okay, there was a _lot_ wrong with it, but one particular thing stood out to her: why would Steven ask for her, of all people? She recognized, as leader of the Crystal Gems, that she was an important figure and it made some sense from that perspective, but Steven was typically more _emotionally_ dependent on Garnet, Pearl, or his paternal figure. Peridot wasn't exactly known for showing her _sweet_ , as Steven once called it. So why her?

Dr. Maheswaran came down the steps, the clipped note of her shoes punctuated by a heavy sigh. The trio looked up, and she addressed her daughter. "I think Steven will be out for the rest of the night, at least. I don't suppose you want to come home? Your father could bring you back in the morning."

The girl chewed her lip and glanced at the clock, suddenly feeling rather guilty. It was almost two, and her mother's shift started in 4 hours - the woman would be lucky if she got a wink of sleep. She had come all the way out to Beach City to let Connie see Steven, only to promptly get roped into an impromptu house call.

Connie managed to choke down her desire to stay and nodded to her mother.

"I'll go," she answered quietly, getting up from the couch. "I can come back tomorrow?"

"I said that, didn't I?" Her mother replied with surprising warmth, calling the girl over to her. The two hugged, standing at the doorway, and Connie turned around. The tears welled before she could bother trying to save some shred of dignity.

"I-I'll be back, and, um, p-please let me k-know if things... if things c-change?" She pleaded, barely able to keep from crying, and the room just nodded and smiled sympathetically in return. Pearl, she noticed, had a fiery glint in her eyes, tired though they were. Connie found that reassuring, and tried to nod with some tiny glimmer of that same passion.

Garnet descended the steps and kept her voice low. "Of course, Connie. Thank you for coming, and for your help, Dr. Maheswaran." Though small, the fusion managed a smile and adjusted her glasses. Connie could've _sworn_ a flicker of light reflected off their smooth surface when she did. "We'll let you know if anything changes. Dani has agreed to tend to him in the meantime. Though I have a... _strong suspicion_ he will be sleeping for awhile."

"Goodbye, then. And good luck," her mother bid the room, taking Connie by the hand and gently leading her to the car. They found Doug sleeping in the driver seat, and the pair both released a small chuckle when they knocked at the window and he jumped up.

"Thanks, for everything." Connie snagged her mother's shirt before the woman could open the passenger car door. "I know you and Dad didn't want me to come... but I needed to see him. I'm sorry that you got... pulled into this."

The woman paused with her fingers resting on the handle, and she had a feeling her daughter was apologizing for more than just tonight. Doug eyed them worriedly from the front seat, but Priyanka gave him a sobering look and drew her hand back. She knelt on the pavement and faced her daughter, tucking a strand of bubblegum-pink hair behind the girl's ear.

"No, Connie. I'm the one who is sorry. I know you probably don't feel like it right now, but you've been incredibly brave. Your friends - his family - they are all going through something that is going to be... it's going to be hard. I've seen abuse before," she paused as her daughter cringed at the word.

Pretending this was something easier, nicer to talk about wasn’t going to do anyone any favors. Though it was going to be hard for them all to accept what had happened, calling it what it was was key to coming to terms. Priyanka had spent too long in the medical field to know that denial and tip-toeing around the truth only stood to make things worse.

With a firmly set jaw, she chose to keep going. "Nine times out of ten, it'll get worse before it gets better. Steven is going to need a lot of support, and so are they, and _so are you_. I don't want you to ever apologize for whatever happened... I want you to tell me if something is wrong, or if you feel worried, or unsafe, or trapped, or scared. I want you to tell me when something makes you uncomfortable, because it's normal and natural to feel those things. Just, please, don't close me out. I love you, sweetie. You're safe and..." she tried to swallow the lump forming in her throat, thoughts of the advice Greg had given her earlier bubbling to the surface.

"I am so proud of you. So, so proud."

With a sigh - from emotional or physical exhaustion, who could tell - the woman pulled her daughter into her arms and rested her forehead against the crevice of her shoulder, wishing she could carry some of the burden the girl now had to bare. She was barely a teenager, and, she’s still so naive. At Connie’s age, Priyanka was worrying about school and something probably related to legwarmers. Her daughter began to cry, quiet, half-hidden sobs, worrying about the fate of her friend, and her part in a whole messy space nightmare that, frankly, Priyanka didn’t even want to start thinking about yet.

Just, for a few moments, she was content to hold her little girl and let the tears stain her shirt. Thirteen. She was only _thirteen_.

After several long minutes passed, and Connie’s sobbing having grown only heavier and more desperate, the mother scooped her carefully and laid her in the backseat without another word. She settled in beside the girl on the ride home, never letting her go for more than a moment. Doug communicated through the rearview mirror with his wife, using only his eyes, and the woman responded as best she could with her own glances.

_She's safe. That's what matters. Everything else comes with time._

 

* * *

  

He clung to sleep, desperate to fight the waves of awareness that brought him ashore to the grainy coast of reality. Steven craved dreams - even nightmares were welcome - as there was that constant film of awareness outside the dreams that reminded him he was asleep, and whatever was happening, it wasn’t real. The instinct was deeply human, a ghost of understanding that kept the relenting chaos at bay.

Reality had no such embedded comforts.

Slowly, Steven realized he was in his room - his _Earth_ room. That was the first thing that was wrong about the situation, but the list kept growing as he studied his surroundings. Amethyst was sitting at the end of his bed with the T.V. on, sound muted, with Lapis. Amethyst. Like the Amethyst and Jasper he shattered - that he and Holly Blue... _No._ He stopped himself from going down that train of thought, grinding his teeth together. There was enough wrong without him adding to it. The situation at hand - White Diamond, the task, the threats, his family, the _danger_ \- it was a blade pressed up against his ribcage, threatening to pop his lungs like balloons. He was sort of amazed the others couldn't hear him start to wheeze.

Dani was kneeling at the edge of his bed beside the window, looking out at the sea or the stones of the cliff face - he couldn't be certain, what with her visor obscuring her features. Following her gaze, Steven guessed he must have fallen asleep again; it was still dark outside, bleached sands mocking his every move. Pale eyes watched, too far for him to see, but close enough that the back of his neck tingled with the very basic impulse of _fear_. Something was watching him. Someone. It was waiting for him, reminding him - he had a job to do.

His bed was feeling less comfortable as the seconds ticked on, and Steven vaguely began to sit up and went to rub his -- _agh._ A flash of pain castrated the inside of his elbow as soon as he forced the movement, and, wearily, Steven used his ‘good’ arm to try to wipe the remainders of sleep from his eyes.

_Right. Gotta get used to that_.

In addition to the horrible stabbing sensation that radiated out from his… sneeze-spot… antecube… something…?

Anyway - Steven felt like his body was made of lead, too dense and stiff to really move properly, and stomach sent off a pang of discomfort through his abdomen, reminding him that he still hadn't eaten.

Lapis was the first to react, already up and sitting down beside him, leaving maybe an inch between them.

"Steven!" Her voice was its usual soft, familiar soprano. It was comforting enough that he could _almost_ believe he hadn't lied to her face, pushed her onto a warp pad, told her that he hated her, and ran away.

"You're awake! Do you feel okay?"

_Almost_.

Instead, guilt bubbled up his throat like bile, threatening to force its way out instead of words. Not interested in dry heaving on Lapis and his bed, Steven firmly kept his mouth shut.

That being said, he did consider how he could even _answer_ her very loaded question when his attention was grabbed by the sight of Amethyst bounding from the second floor and sprinting towards the Temple door, yelling for Garnet and Pearl as she dashed away.

Dani, now standing, loomed over the end of the bed with brows raised. "Hello."

Steven looked from her to Lapis, almost bemused by the sight of them together. At no point during the past month had he seen Dani with anyone except Blue Pearl and Heliodor, and the contrast made for a strange sight.

Leaning forward slightly, the unassuming voice of the white gem interrupted his thoughts. "Do you know where you are?"

That was an... odd question, Steven thought. He nodded.

"That is good. And do you know your name?"

Lapis watched with rapt attention, like his answer might bring forth some secret, primordial knowledge. It was kind of weirding him out. And, boy, did he have a headache.

Steven frowned, and he decided he didn’t want to answer Dani’s question. He knew his own name. Of course he did. But he wasn't sure he could say where his name ended and Rose Quartz's began, if they were speaking in legacies; or where it turned to Opalite, if they were speaking in blood.

When he didn't answer, Danburite moved on. "Are you hungry?"

His lip curled, but he nodded furiously. Something about the idea of eating right now, with so much urgency pressing in on all sides, felt very wrong and selfish. But his body was half-human, as it annoyingly reminded him all day long, and he had basic needs. This whole excursion to Earth would be a real waste if he accidentally starved.

Stealing a sidelong glance towards Lapis, Steven winced under the intensity of her stare. She hadn’t looked that severe, that determined, that strangely _empowered_ since he watched her twirl, and dip, and fuse, and become Malachite. Wearily, he tried to smile at her, at least glad to see the fire had not been extinguished in her. Lapis simply stared back, her attention flickering from one of his eyes to the other, searching for… something. He wondered what she saw there.

A beat of silence later, Lapis shook her head and stood from the bed, glancing over her shoulder towards the Temple door. "Amethyst went to get the others. Uh, Connie already came over, but she left before you woke up. You've been asleep for almost two days."

Huh. That... was a surprise, but frankly, not as much as it should have been. Given the circumstances, Steven wasn’t sure if it was physically possible for him to feel _more_ pressure to hurry, whether it had been two hours or twenty.  Steven sort of just... absorbed the knowledge. A dull bullet, the new information merely grazed his cheek and continued on.

"Does anything hurt?" Danburite asked after a pause, and her reliably empty voice was something Steven absolutely appreciated. It was a constant, on Homeworld or here, in space, or on sand, soil, or old floor boards. She didn't seem phased by anything.

Steven inspected himself, though it was a fruitless effort. His pajamas and the blanket covered his whole body, so it’s not like anyone - himself included - could see his scars or the welts, but…

Oh. He hadn’t been wearing pajamas when he got here.

Chagrined, Steven flushed at the realization that someone had changed him, and it made him incredibly uncomfortable to think about. Not in a bashful way, though the thought _was_ a little embarrassing (he was fourteen, not six). No, it was more the fact that at least one person saw every last one of his scars and injuries without him having any sense of power. It was like when he had been marked, _branded_ , when he woke up in Blue Diamond’s ship. The searing diamond insignia that had been burned into his wrist when he was unconscious… No memories whatsoever, and yet, it had happened. Just like someone looking at him - his scars. Adding to the headache, Steven felt a bit of nausea clench around his gut.

A soft hum came from the white gem, and Steven realized he still hadn’t answered her question. Before he had the chance to really focus, three - no, wait - _four_ familiar faces appeared through the doorway leading into the Temple. Garnet, flanked on each side by Amethyst and Pearl, all posed as the mighty image of pure Crystal Gem harmony… accompanied by a nervous-looking Peridot peering behind the fusion's leg. The first three wore smiles so sincere that it made him want to tear out his hair - the guilt was going to eat him alive. How could they be _happy_ right now? Didn't they understand what was going on? Pawns. Tools. All just pieces of her little game.

When they swept over to him, stopping just short of throwing themselves into a huge hug, Garnet was the first to really address him. She knelt down and carefully patted his hair, mussing it after a moment. Steven flinched at the contact, but tried not to show it; he _knew_ he wasn’t afraid of Garnet, so the instinct only frustrated him more.

"Hey there, cutie pie. Glad to see you're awake."

Pearl went next, but it took her a moment to gather herself. "Hello, Stev-Steven. We are all here to do whatever we can to m-make things easier on you, so, just let us help i-if you need anything."

Amethyst leaned forward, looking ready to contribute some similar sort of supportive words, but she stopped when she realized Steven wasn't looking at her.

Peridot shifted her weight from one foot to the other, eliciting a horrible creaky sound from the wooden floors. Grimacing, Pearl seemed about ready to snap at her to knock it off when Steven cocked his head to one side.

His face was blank, as if he hadn't heard them at all.

"...?”

It was the first time he’d tried to speak since pleading with Garnet not to put him into bed, not to let him stay. Nothing really came out but a scratchy, almost whining sound, but it was a clear attempt at words.

The little green gem froze. All eyes in the room turned to stare at her, though no stares were as piercing as Steven’s.

"Yes, ah, _hello Ste_ \- oh, no-no-no, it's okay!" The gem barely got two words out before Steven flinched backwards in his bed, so violently that the comforter caught against his dresser and sent the glass of water that had been there tumbling to the floor. It shattered harshly against the ground, while Steven blinked wildly and looked around for the source of the noise. At some point, he began to visibly shake, cocooning himself up in the farthest corner of the mattress.

"W-what did I say?" Peridot half-groaned, half-begged someone to help her out. She had thought, by all accounts, that her greeting was a perfect application of human conversational convention, but clearly something went wrong.

As soon as the words were out, their answer came in the form of a muffled whimper from Steven as he slid further back on his bed, seamingly trying to compress himself to a tiny ball against the wall. Calmly, Garnet put herself in front of Peridot and crouched to Steven's height.

She managed a few strained-sounding words. The future was looking a bit bleak, and it was weighing on her usual stoicism.

"He’s… afraid of Peridot."

Opening his mouth, Steven closed it again in frustration when he found there were no words. Again. Wait - no words. Right, that was right. He wasn't supposed to talk during the trials. That got him in trouble.

Furiously, he shook his head.

"S-Steven," Pearl tried in her most gentle voice, the one she used to lull him to sleep as a child. "Steven, shh, look at me. Look at me. Yes, that's it. It's okay. We're okay here, see? You are safe. You're in your bed, on Earth, with us. Peridot used to be our enemy but she's a friend now - look, she's even got her Crystal Gem stars!"

He gripped the sides of his head and tried not to scream. It was a lie. Another vision - that Sapphire, she had kissed his forehead again, and that’s where the air had gone. Peridot - he had heard her a moment ago, that… that means another trial must have started, and these were those _memories_ again. Every stitch of reason was coming apart, and he would be forced to patiently suffocate while his mind wove things back together. Fibers and tendrils snapped and frayed when the feelings began to twist, and sensations were all so wrong - a hug became a taste, and the sound of his ukulele was an uncomfortable bar against his spine. Reality tore, right down the center, all of the world coming apart behind his eyelids.

Steven squeezed his eyes shut tighter, willing himself to wake-up, and he prayed for air.

_Wake-up, wake-up, wake-up._

Not real - they’re not real.

_Wake-up, wake-up, wake-up._

They were another vision. He’d be back in the white room, and there’d be only seconds that passed.

His sight betrayed him - Pearl, yelling something at someone, and Cookie Cat zooming through the night sky, and Connie treading carefully from the window. Nothing made sense.

Nothing here _ever_ made sense, because _it wasn’t real_. It _couldn’t be real_ \-- there wasn’t air here, and there was always air on Earth. He knew better. He knew _better_.

“Steven, look at me - open your eyes.” It sounded like Garnet, but no - no, no, no, it was _Peridot._ It had to be. The Sapphire never said a word. She’d told him to open his eyes before - why was that, again? His tears must not be flowing fast enough. He forced himself to open his eyes, waiting for the vial to poke his cheek.

The scene blurred, colors began to swirl and he managed a choked sounding laugh. The vision was ending! He was finally crying in earnest now, and that meant it was almost over. Peridot would get what she wanted, and then he could breathe again. It had been so long since he could breathe. Months? Years? The sandpaper that had replaced his throat protested violently against the mere thought of _air_ , because it was still a long ways away, and he knew better. It would come eventually, and maybe, after a dozen more trials, he could go to bed. Sleep. Eat. Wash. Then start over again, tomorrow. Whatever _Log Date_ that might be.

 

* * *

 

It took over an hour of quiet reassurances, Peridot keeping a generous amount of distance, and another cup of water for Steven to finally stop shaking. Though it was bizarre, he seemed most calm in the presence of Garnet, Lapis, Danburite, and, to a lesser extent, his father. They had learned quickly that Steven didn’t like to be touched, especially around his neck and shoulders, but he tolerated Danburite testing his vision, listening to his pulse, and rebandaging his arm with minimal fidgeting.

Eventually, _finally_ , they coaxed him into eating something around four in the morning. Lapis had been talking incessantly to Steven, who quietly listened and even nodded or shook his head a few times while she randomly drawled on about anything she could think of - other planets she’d been to, her favorite episode of Camp Pining Hearts, how Pumpkin liked to chew on the edge of the hammock. Once her imagination ran short, she had defaulted to playing with his drinking water by swirling it into shapes: little fish she had seen in Earth’s ocean, a leaf from a tree, an airplane. That had earned her a smile.

Lapis took a break shortly thereafter, switching with Danburite to check his vitals.

Leaning heavily on the porch, Pearl was in the middle of trying to convey her worries to Amethyst and Peridot, who were seated at the table, visibly sulking.

If Lapis were being honest, she couldn’t blame them for feeling hurt. It must be hard for to see Steven be so… well, not _hostile_ , not exactly. Afraid? Uncomfortable?

Anxious - that was it.

It must be hard for them to be so close to Steven, to want to help him, but to see how terribly _anxious_ he was in their company.

“...so long, and I’m not sure how much -- oh. Lapis. How is he?” Pearl asked, both hysterical and dull at the same time. The torture was in her eyes, but everything else about her seeped with defeat.

“Um, a little better,” she said slowly, moving towards the table. She placed a hand on Peridot’s shoulder, who moved her own green one to rest on top of it. “He seems sort of out of it, still, but he’s definitely _here_ , if that makes sense. Not… wherever else he thought he was.”

Amethyst sighed loudly, letting her head rest back on her shoulders. Beside her, Pearl rubbed the corner of her eyes with a thumb and forefinger.

“Yes, it makes sense. I’m afraid we’ll reach some sort of terminal point with this if he doesn’t eat, soon. His cognitive functions will keep getting foggier even without the… _reminders_.” Her lips thinned, like the word itself tasted sour.

“Pearl was just explaining to us the functionality of protein on the human body,” Peridot added helpfully. “Steven’s lack of nutrients is making him weak, even if he’s rested. The hospital is still an option, if he won’t eat...”

Licking her lips, Lapis gave up before she even bothered to try puzzling out the human diet. It was just… odd.

Instead, she tried a question. “Has he ever _not_ eaten like this before?”

Amethyst and Pearl wore matching frowns, and the purple gem ultimately shrugged.

“Sorta,” she explained, sounding plenty frustrated. “The only other time though, he was sick. Like he had a stomach flu or something, but it passed on its own. Usually we eat together.”

“Yes, but, given that Steven seems to cringe if either of us get too close…” Peridot mumbled, pulling her knees to her chest. Lapis and Pearl met eyes, but neither chose to comment on that.

After a brief moment of silence, Pearl snapped her fingers with surprising gusto.

“Amethyst - that’s it!”

“W-what?” She said warily, blinking at Pearl’s sudden outburst.

“Steven might eat if he doesn’t eat alone,” the white gem clarified, nodding at the idea. “If someone eats _with_ him, they might be able to convince him to eat too.”

A few seconds passed, and Lapis realized three sets of eyes were looking directly at her.

“W-wait, me? I don’t eat,” she said flatly.

Peridot raised a brow, turning to face her properly.

“Have you ever tried? I feel like you would have mentioned it.”

“Well - I… I mean, _no_ , but… it sort of seems gross. No offense,” she tagged on towards Amethyst, who waved a dismissive hand.

“Nah, it’s actually really fun! Just feels… weird.”

Pearl intervened before the topic was lost.

“Lapis, I’m serious. This is entirely your decision, but it might really help Steven to eat something with him.”

The blue gem crossed her arms uncomfortably, feeling conversationally cornered. “I-I mean, I’d do it for Steven, of course… but why don’t you ask Garnet? She eats, doesn’t she?”

“Garnet’s in her room, apparently,” Peridot said, almost sounding annoyed. “She didn’t say how long she’d be, but that it was _important_.”

Unable to see a way out of it, and sincerely glad to try if it might help Steven, Lapis’ shoulders fell and she rolled her eyes.

“ _Fine_. I’ll… eat. If you think it’ll help.”

Pearl was practically glowing, already bustling past them into the kitchen. “It’s worth a shot - I’ll go fix something.”

Wrinkling her nose, Peridot leapt up from the chair and offered it to Lapis. A bit surprised, the blue gem’s face warmed, and she accepted the offer. Now, she was seated opposite to Amethyst around the table.

“Alright, lemme tell you how Gems eat. It’s super funky on the inside...”  
Twenty minutes, and an unpleasant description of body holes and _digestion,_ later, Lapis tentatively stepped up the stairs once Dani was finished tending to him with a plate of ‘peanut jelly and butter’ sandwiches.  Amethyst had taken the opportunity to coach her on how to handle food, warning and explaining about textures and temperatures. The whole idea made her wrinkle her nose, but, she would at least try it if it might help.

“I’ll eat one if you eat one,” she stated simply, plopping down at the edge of the bed. At that, Steven raised his brows, looking from her to the plate.

Lapis had a feeling what he might be thinking, considering the doubt and almost amused look on his face.

She released a sigh, trying to show her own hesitation by performing the human function.

“I’ll be honest, I’m _not_ looking forward to it. I’ve heard… mixed reviews on human food. But I’ll _try_ it if you eat.”

Steven blinked a few times, examining the sandwiches with a scowl, so Lapis gingerly picked one up.

“Deal?”

Lips pursed, Steven seemed to be considering the offer. After several seconds, he grabbed the other sandwich on the plate and held it in front of him.

“Good,” Lapis’s stomach began to flutter nervously, but she was mostly excited to see that he agreed. It was actually working! “I’ll count to three…”

“One.” She set her jaw.

“Two.” Steven nodded.

“Three!”

They both took a large bite from the crustless creation, and Lapis’s serious expression quickly turned to one of confusion.

It was… okay? The texture, even with Amethyst’s warning, had been the most surprising part. It wasn’t exactly unpleasant, but it was just a lot of sensation all at once. The mixture of cold and creamy and gritty mixed weirdly along her tongue, and it was so _chewy_? She really hadn’t expected that, but, it also had a ‘taste’ that she decided she liked. Earthy, it reminded her of the smell of soil around the barn, and the wheat crops she and Peridot were working on. The purple goop was... bright? She really didn’t know how to describe it, since she had no frame of reference, but it really _popped_ in contrast to all the other stuff going on.

Lapis took another bite, and Steven copied her.

“It’s… not as bad as I thought,” she said with her mouth full, and Steven smiled. “But it’s _sticky_ against my tongue.”

He shrugged, stopping to get a drink of water. After taking a modest sip, he looked at the glass for several long seconds, and then held it in front of him.

It took Lapis a moment to realize he was offering _her_ the water.

“Oh. Do I just…?” Really, she didn’t know _just_ what to do, because water was her lifeblood. It was as much a part of her as her gemstone herself, and she figured if she could handle a sandwich, then water should be a breeze.

Quickly, she tipped her head back from Steven’s example, and promptly slapped her lips together.

“Wow. That’s much better!” She touched her cheeks, the curious mushy feeling gone from her gums, and laughed. “I ate something! That was sort of fun!”

Steven finished his sandwich and nodded along while Lapis continued to deliberately, and with some difficulty, take bites from her own. He only finished half, or maybe a bit more, but it was a strong sign that he may have a chance to stay home, in their care, then at the whim of a hospital. Truthfully, Lapis didn’t know what to expect of a human hospital, but she didn’t like what little Connie’s mother had shared.

 

* * *

 

 

Sapphire sat calmly at the base of the bubble room, watching Ruby trace a burnt oval into the ground. She was watching something else, too, always – the future.

Ruby, on the contrary, wasn’t watching anything – her mind was aflame with injustice and anger and betrayal. She raged, a storm of flames that torched the tiles beneath her.

“How can we possible _tell_ them?” She muttered for the thousandth time.

Sapphire said nothing, watching her partner repeat her actions again, stuck in a continuous loop. Well, not _technically_ a loop - time moves forward, forward, forward. Not around, back, or in reverse. Always forward.

“I don’t _want_ to be the responsible ones. I feel like we’re constantly lying. It’s not fair, Sapphire!” She clenched her fists angrily. It’s not like Sapphire could blame her.

Ruby stopped, though only for a moment, to glance at the lava pool in the center of the room. She sincerely considered taking a dip, just to clear her head.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I wish Yellow or Blue Diamond _hadn’t_ been... They could of put a stop to this. To _her_.”

Sapphire considered that possibility, but in truth, she could only see the future, not the past.

“They failed the first time. It’s not likely they could have done anything at all.” The blue gem spoke evenly, trying to be patient with Ruby as she went through the motions.

In response, the red gem rubbed a hand against her face in annoyance – Sapphire knew it wasn’t annoyance aimed at her, so she did not take offence.

“I know… I’m sorry, Sapphy…” she said quietly, coming to sit down beside her. The room was positively blistering, but still, ice shards crept around her ankles. “What are we supposed to do?”

“I…” the blue gem paused, voice no longer steady. “I am… not sure. Steven is in a lot of pain right now, so we have to remember whatever he’s going through, he can’t rationalize it. The other’s should be informed, that White Diamond is...”

Her usually melodic voice lowered several octaves towards the end. “That she isn’t done with him yet.”

Ruby laid down on the ground, looking up into their hundreds –  or was it thousands? – of bubbles they had all accumulated at this point. “He never should have been a part of this. All of this,” she waved a hand above her, gesturing their lost comrades from eons ago. “It should have been Rose and Pearl and our problems. Not him… Never him.”

“Maybe so,” was all Sapphire could manage. She really did not like to linger on the past – indeed, she was almost literally unable to do so.

“I…” Ruby said quietly, turning her head to look at the beautiful, breathtaking gem to her left. God, how she loved her.

“I’m just so dang _frustrated_! He’s so close - literally, he’s _behind that door!_ ” She pointed in the general direction of the house. “But he might as well be back on Homeworld. Why won’t he talk to us? I just want him to talk to us. He’s our Steven…”

Simply, the blue gem said, “I know. I’m sorry, Ruby.”

After a pause, Sapphire decided she was unsatisfied with that and continued speaking. If nothing else, Ruby seemed to be calming down. “I can’t know how Steven’s body will heal. If he needs to go the hospital, if he needs us to stay close or to give him space… And he seemed _okay_ with Garnet, but if he sees us seperated...” Almost absently, she released a mirthless, single breath of laughter, “It’s my fault. I’m such a coward. I can’t even face our friends, Lapis and Danburite are much better suited to take care of him.”

“No - no, Sapphire,” Ruby sat up immediately, grasping for her partners hand. The cool tips of Sapphire’s fingers, brushing against her, were absolutely exhilarating in the warmth of the room, and Ruby was quick to intertwine their hands. “You’re not the coward. It’s _me_. Steven, he was so jumpy and I was so _mad_ that he thought we might hurt him. Just, thinking about what Homeworld had… _ugh_. I’m sorry, I just can’t get my head out of what happened.”

“And I can’t get mine out of what’s going to happen next,” a heartbroken sounding Sapphire replied, lowering her head to gaze at their hands clasped between them. She squeezed the red fingers ever so slightly, and a small smile betrayed her when they squeezed back.

“I don’t think you’re a coward,” she said quietly, voice unusually thick. The red gem’s attention flickered up knowing and hating that tone - it meant…

“Oh, Sapphire - don’t cry. Please, don’t cry.” Ruby moved a hand to hold her cheek, her fiery fingers contrasting against the beautiful, almost dreamy blues of Sapphire’s complexion. “I’m sorry I said it - I didn’t mean it, I was just… you know, I’m always mad.”

“I know, but you shouldn’t say things about yourself like that,” Sapphire tried to turn her face the other direction, but Ruby held her in place and carefully swept the bangs from her eye. She looked tired, and magnificent, and at her limit, and still somehow impossibly invincible.

“You’re right. Sapphy, don’t cry. Look at me.”

After two blinks and one stray tear, Sapphire did as she was bid.

“I’ll be better about saying… things like that. But don’t you ever, ever call yourself a coward or weak or anything like that, either. You’re the strongest gem I know, and you know, I’m _pretty_ old. I know a lot of gems.” She grinned, and the blue gem let out a small laugh. Ruby’s smile widened at the delicate sound.

“We can handle this, together, okay? Steven needs us. Connie’s - Dr. Maheswaran, she made it clear that this was… normal for kids who have been through… ah, stuff like this. To close off. To be scared of everything.”

Sapphire glanced down momentarily, before looking back and holding Ruby’s gaze. She took the hand off her cheek and held it firmly in her own.

“I know, you’re right, I know. I know and I don’t know, and that’s what’s so _hard,_ Ruby. I feel like everyone is looking to us, to _Garnet_ , for some kind of answer and direction. How can we fix him? How can we make him better? How can we protect Earth, and worry about corrupted Gems, and whatever Homeworld wants with him - how can we do that when we don’t even know what’s wrong with him! How can we do that when I can barely… I’ve been so useless since he showed up, and now, everytime I try to look ahead I just feel like I’m being… being…”

She was cut off by her own shuddering sob, and Ruby let her tears spill over, waiting. Patiently, she rubbed comforting circles into the delicate hands of her partner.

“Sapphy, you’re not - _we’re_ not useless. He seemed... okay, around us, before. Not nearly as bad as he was with Peridot or Amethyst, and even if that hurts, the others need us, too. I don’t want to be the responsible one - I want to summon my gauntlets and smash a holo-White Diamond right in her stupid face!”

Sapphire chuckled again, but tears continued to stain her cheeks.

“I-I don’t have any answers,” Ruby admitted, looking down at their hands, palms up, gemstones bright beneath the orange glow of the room. “I’m sorry, Sapphy. I don’t know how this works, but I’ve - heh, I’ve spent _most of my life_ not knowing how things work. Future vision. Diamond plots. I just popped out of the ground and took orders, and then we were Garnet, and _bam!_ That was everything I ever knew. I don’t know how to be a leader because _I’m_ not a leader. Never have been. But that’s been okay for me so far? It’s not so scary, since we know we have each other… and besides, _we’re_ the leader… and we can at least help by sticking it out, for Steven, and for the others, right?”

The fiery gem closed the gap between their faces and kissed Sapphire softly, trying to steal the sorrow from her and take it upon herself.

“R-Ruby, you...”

“Shh, it’s okay.” Ruby leaned her forehead into Sapphire’s, both of her eyes closed. “We’ll figure it out – I promise. There’s still hope, I know it.”

Sapphire didn’t want to be disparaging, and the sudden warmth spreading through her with their closeness made her feel considerably better, but her doubts ran deep.

“Hope…? But, the future – ”

Ruby pulled back and began to play with Sapphire’s soft, white hair.

“The future only tells us possible outcomes, right? Well…” she started to stand, offering Sapphire a hand. “What the future can’t tell are feelings. And what I feel right now… is that I’m worried. And I’m scared. And I’ve never felt so lost.” Her gaze darkened, but only for a moment. “But, I also know that I love you. I love Steven, and Pearl, and Amethyst and all the others. There’s a lot that’s wrong with the possibilities right now, so… you know, why don’t we look for something else?”

Confusion furrowed Sapphire’s brow, but she accepted Ruby’s hand. “Something else?”

“Well, _we_ were and are an _impossibility_ , aren’t we? If we can make it through a few thousand years, that’s got to count for something, right?”

A blank mask settled across the blue gem’s features, changing slowly as the understanding came. Not unlike the break of brilliant dawn in a dark, empty black sky, Sapphire began to giggle. The earnest, pure sound - twinkling and still so dignified - filled Ruby’s chest with an inexplicable comfort and delight and _pride_. The mere fact alone that _she_ had been the one to bring that sound, so full of life, to the deeply vacant Burning Room? Ruby knew that there would be a future as long as that laugh still existed - she _knew_.

Unwittingly, however, her cheeks began to burn, and her face took on a flattering maroon hue. Her mind raced with a million thoughts, all more-or-less admiring Sapphire for being _so incredible_. The red gem’s eyes darted to her boots, suddenly and rather shyly, occupied with the pattern on the floor. It was purely a coincidence that at the same time, Sapphire had started smiling at her.

“Yes, Ruby. It counts for something - no, actually,” Sapphire fixed her hair and leaned in for a kiss, but unlike before, this one wasn’t tender and soft, a ghost of gentle comfort that brushed their lips. No, this kiss was different - Sapphire felt the smile form beneath Ruby’s lips before they even touched, a coy, adorably wan expression that so contrasted her usual personality. It was like a tiny secret that only she was privy to know - how gentle and bashful Ruby could be when they lived in the moment; when they lived like this.

Lips fierce and tingling, Sapphire melted into her partner, her better half, trying to will the love she felt through touch alone. It was passionate and ignited by a snap of cold that she was eager to warm.

When she pulled away, leaving a breathless Ruby at arms’ length, Sapphire corrected herself.

“It counts for _everything_.”


	3. On the Fourth Day, They Said, "Let there be Pamphlets!"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, Connie is trying to navigate her new life, Greg is abundantly uncomfortable (and maybe makes a new friend?), Pearl tidies up another mess, and Steven finds he doesn't always need to talk to communicate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, can you tell I had no fucking idea what to name this chapter?

Connie loved her parents.

She really, really did.

But sometimes…

“Yes, _thank_ you, mother.” She answered, trying to keep the edge from her voice.

The woman nodded and dug out the fifteenth pamphlet from her purse - another she’d brought home from the hospital - and Connie hurriedly tucked into her training bag along with the others. Her mother’s behavior was well-intended, and Connie _knew_ that, but the almost-obsessive coddling was starting to wear on her nerves.

“And if they have questions, you’ve given them the house number? Pearl and Greg can call anytime, day or night.”

“Yes, mother.”

A pause, no greater than thirty seconds.

“Did you remember to eat this morning?”

With pursed lips, Connie prayed for patience. Food had become a sort of... afterthought since she’d returned to Earth. They had all learned rather quickly that she didn’t get _hungry,_ per say. She could and would eat, and the food tasted good and the habit felt nice, but the very basic sense of _hunger_ had seemingly vanished. If she didn’t think to do it, she probably wouldn’t eat at all.

On a probably related, but much more embarrassing, note, the urge to use the restroom had become much less present. It had been sort of difficult to describe when her mother had asked about it, partially because Connie didn’t know _how_ exactly to describe the feeling, but that she certainly didn’t _want_ to.

It was like… there wasn’t any instinctual _ping_ in her body that told her she should relieve herself. Really, the best way she could describe it was by attributing her midsection to feel… sort of bloated? It was uncomfortable if she noticed it, but there still wasn’t anything in her brain or body telling her to _do_ something about it. When she tried to use the restroom, she didn’t have any problems, but it was really off-putting to have to consciously _schedule_ bathroom breaks. It reminded her of elementary school, in a shameful kind of way.

“Connie? Are you alright?”

The girl blinked twice, realizing she had been lost in thought. Right. She’d been asking about breakfast.

“Yes, mother. Sorry - I was zoning out. Um, I had two eggs and cranberry juice.”

The doctor heaved a sigh and nodded, eyes still on the road, hands at ten-and-two.

“Good. And still nothing with your menstrual cycle?”

Connie stiffened slightly, suddenly very aware of her burning cheeks. Blushing was apparently one of the biological responses she had _not_ left behind on Homeworld.

“ _M-Mom_!”

The woman shot her a look, but quickly turned her attention back to the task of driving. They were just entering Beach City proper, and Connie made a pointed effort to watch the morning sun force its way through hazy films of clouds. The clock on the dashboard read 8:50 AM.

“I _know_ you don’t like talking about it,” her mother said with a bit of strain. “But it’s important that I know, honey. You just being here is breaking about every rule in the book, medically-speaking.”

Connie fidgeted in the front seat. That didn’t exactly make her feel any better.

When the girl answered, her voice was small. “I-I know, mother… and, n-no, still. No change.”

“I see. Well, I suppose we can still operate under the assumption that no-news-is-good-news?” The woman said with a lighter tone, almost musing, but they both knew her heart wasn’t in it.

Her parents were trying to act normal. Connie knew this. Yet, the charade wasn’t entirely convincing. The whole... being _undead_ thing… was incredibly trying on the both of them. Little changes in the first week told her that they were afraid, like coordinating their work schedules so that she was never home alone, or that they stayed up half the night talking. Her family had always been a very in-bed-at-9 and lights-out-by-10 kind of household, until recently. More than once, Connie had heard those tense discussions turned to shouting, and it hurt to know that she was the cause of those arguments.

On top of the very obvious factors that kept her parents up at night, Connie herself was also very restless.

Literally.

She didn’t need to sleep, either. Much like eating, she _could_ , and found that it was nice to wake up feeling refreshed, but it had _really_ freaked her parents out when she tried to sleep. Apparently, she slept for 11 hours straight the first night. They chalked it up to exhaustion and fatigue, and didn’t think of it until two days later when she tried to sleep again, and she was unresponsive for 18 hours.

The image of her father shaking her, desperation painted across his usually calm features, red-eyed and gasping, trembling and hugging her fiercely, was something Connie was surely not going to forget anytime soon.

Her mother, apparently, was not going to forget about her own agenda anytime soon, either.

“They haven’t mentioned Steven eating anything else, correct?”

“Nothing more than before.”

She nodded sternly, and Connie saw in her periphery her mother grip the steering wheel a little tighter.

“Today will mark four days. Two sandwiches is not going to cut it. Maybe I’ll try talking to Greg again, they really should take him to the hospital at this rate. It might help…”

“Mmm,” Connie hummed, not really sure if she was expected to respond. It sort of sounded like her mother was talking to herself, or consulting a room of imaginary doctors.

The beach house was now in sight at the end of the road, but something else had caught the girl’s eye. As they turned the corner, Connie noticed a large sign hung up in the window of the familiar car wash.

_TEMPORARILY CLOSED. WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE._

She let out a small snort, pointing the verbage out to her mother.

“Oh. I suppose Steven’s father wants to take the time to be with him.”

“Well, yeah,” Connie rolled her eyes as her mother put the car in park. “But it’s just funny that he said ‘we.’ There’s no _we_. It’s just Mr. Universe.”

“Hmm,” her mother adopted a small smile. “I guess that’s right. Maybe he thought it just sounded more normal that way? ‘ _I_ apologize for any inconvenience’ sounds a bit, hmm, unnatural.”

Connie raised a brow, catching her own reflection in the side-rear window. Skin so bright it was almost blinding, hair so vibrant it reminded her of cotton candy, she wasn’t as shocked to see herself as she had been the first day or so. It was starting to feel... normal. Was that wrong?

Frowning, Connie lingered on the sound of her mother’s voice.

“ _Unnatural_ , ” she breathed the word, barely forming a sound, and her mother thankfully did not seem to notice. She was busied by reading her phone, probably checking some urgent email or text from work.

Connie shook her head and grabbed the door handle. “Well, I’m going to go. Pearl is probably waiting.”

“Yes, right.” Her mother put her phone away and gave her daughter a fleeting smile. “You’ll be careful?”

“Yes, mother.”

“Of course you will,” she mussed her daughter’s hair affectionately, and Connie pretended to groan in complaint. It was actually nice to feel her mother’s hand on her head; it was easy to forget that humans were always so warm.

Like eating and sleeping, Connie didn’t feel _cold_ , she just forgot how normal it was to feel _warm_. If she actively thought about it, she knew her skin was constantly chilled. It wasn’t uncomfortable, just unsettling.

Tucking a strand of hair she had disturbed, Connie’s mother smiled. “I love you, sweetheart. I know there’s a lot going on, and you’ve done so well keeping up with it all. I’m so very proud of you.”

Though her throat was tight, Connie’s chest felt much lighter. She started to get out of the car, grinning at her mother.

“Thanks, mom. I love you too. I’ll call if anything happens, okay? Bye!”

Nodding, the woman bid her daughter a quick, “See you!” as she shut the door.

The teen stood there and watched her mother turn down the street, waving because she knew the woman was watching out the back window, and slowly lowered her hand once the car was out of sight. She took a moment to examine her hand, a little unsettled by the fact that her callosues were gone - she’d gotten so used to them - but also strangely invigorated by their absence. A canvas waiting to be painted, her palms were blank and pink and soft. It reminded her of  when she first started training over a year ago, a time that had been filled with so many possibilities. There was the secret sort of thrill, the exhilaration of _almost_ getting nicked by a blade and receiving a scar, but having the confidence and skill to avoid the Holo-Pearls. Small victories, harder challenges, more techniques and experience - it all amounted to an indescribable sense of accomplishment.

On Homeworld, she’d won herself a small scar on her left cheek during the fight at the ship hangar. It must have settled into her skin before Steven had… well, done whatever had brought her back, because it didn’t go away like any of the others. She sort of loved seeing it, odd though it was - it was the last trophy she won as a normal human.

Forming a fist, promise sparked through her muscles, and a fierce sort of protectiveness drove her legs forward towards the Beach House.

Steven wasn’t talking, not yet. That was okay. Frustrating, but okay. She still had her liege, and with more than a few mistakes made along the way, she had done her duty to be there by his side, to fight when she could and support when she couldn’t.

She died. It was a weird thing to learn to be okay with, but she was trying, and she would keep trying everyday if it meant she could help him get better. Her duty didn’t end when her heart stopped beating, and she cared too much about Steven to give up once it started again.

Foot hovering at the top step of the porch, Connie took a deep breath. They were going to be okay, because she made a promise to stay by his side, and he made a promise to stay by her’s.

She felt herself smiling, which saved her the trouble of having to fix her face into something it wasn’t. To say she was happy wouldn’t be wrong, but it was more than that. She was _compelled_ by how happy she was, because she had a second chance. She had a purpose and a goal and her life wasn’t over.

Not yet.

And until it was, Connie was going to fight tooth and nail to make it White Diamond’s problem that she killed her the first time.

 

* * *

 

Greg heard voices outside the van, and the heat inside told him it must be at least midday, so he rubbed the remainder of sleep from his eyes and cracked open the back doors.

“Yeah?” He asked, voice still thick from sleep.

“G’morning, Gregory.” It was Amethyst, her voice missing its usual nonchalance. She sounded much more tired than usual, and looking at her more closely, he sort of thought her expression seemed uncharacteristically anxious.

Pursing his lips, Greg decided to ease into things and start with a simple greeting. It went awry rather quickly.

“Hey Ame, _eeha_ -oh! H-hey, there. It’s, uh, you.” His voice went up when a head of long, pale hair popped up beside Amethyst, startling him. It was the one who was like a... gem doctor, Greg remembered Pearl had explained, but he’d never really been in close contact with her for the four days Steven’s been back. It was rather all of them or none of them together, it seemed, so the sudden company seemed especially odd.

“It’s, uh, Danburtite?” Greg began awkwardly, opening the doors the rest of the way. “Did I say that right?”

The purple gem immediately started cackling, but Greg did his best to ignore her. He wasn’t great with names, but the white gem did not seem offended.

“Danbur- _ite_ , but the effort is noted.” Her voice was vacant, Greg thought. Unsettlingly so. “Although Steven calls me Dani, and that too, is fine.”

She tilted her head to one side and it was clear she had little interest in keeping up the conversation. There was something weird about this new gem – not bad, just, odd, and Greg found he couldn’t put his finger on it. Not to mention that he _recognized_ her - she was a face that had flittered by in the background, at some point, during the whole mess at the Human Zoo. That alone was enough to put him on edge.

Her attention was quite pointedly looking almost everywhere _except_ Greg - the tires and the doors of the van, the driver’s seat, his pile of valuables, his pile of junk, his sleeping pile, his pile of music stuff…

They stayed like that just long enough for Greg to begin feeling self-conscious about why he lived his life through _piles_ when Amethyst cleared her throat.

“Well, Steven’s not _bad_ with nicknames, but I think we can do better.” She leapt up beside Greg in the van and stroked a nonexistent beard. “I’m thinking... _Dansbury_. Just feels right, you know?”

Wordless, Danburite continued her inspection of Greg’s entire life, constricted to the confines of his car. Her stare was intense, and Greg felt compelled to distract her from his mess.

He clung to the first topic he could think of, which set from Amethyst’s example, was on nicknames.

“Dansbury isn’t bad. Kind of got one of those nice _hard-soft-hard_ sylabull sound, you know?” He snapped his fingers together, recalling an old story. “Oh, let me see if I still have it…”

Pawing around his nostalgia pile ( _Geez, I really do have a problem, don’t I?)_ , Greg searched for a solid minute for an old poster but came up empty-handed.

He shrugged and turned back to them, relieved to see the white gem patiently waiting rather than inspecting his decidedly messy liftestyle. “I was trying to find this old poster I had… This talk about nicknames reminded me of this band I used to sometimes meet up with on tours, and their front man was this cool dude named Danny. He always went by Dans. Dunno why, but I liked it. Back then it was _hip_.”

Amethyst chortled, slipping in a quick joke about how that must have been back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth. The gem standing just outside the van, however, looked severe.

Danburite seemed to be thinking very hard about something, holding her cheek with one hand while the other one crossed her chest. “I still think I prefer Dani, but, I appreciate the thought.”

Greg opened his mouth to say something, but Amethyst jumped in.

“Don’t be such a party-kill. I’ma call you Dans, anyways, it might help you to stop being so stiff all the time. Plus, I think it’s cool.” She winked at him, which made Greg chuckle.

The gem cracked a tiny smile, apparently amused by the idea. “ _Cool_? Steven said something like that once...”

“Ohh, right, speaking of, how are things up at the house?” He stretched his arms slightly, angling towards Amethyst from one side of the van.

The diminutive gem twirled her hair in a loop around a finger, staring at the ceiling. It took her several seconds to answer, which Greg knew to be unlike her.

“It’s okay, I guess. Steven’s sleeping right now; Garnet’s with him. Connie and Pearl are doing their trainin’ thang, and Peri and Lapis are at the barn.”

Greg scratched his five o’clock shadow while nodding, appreciating the update. “Got’cha… And I don’t suppose he’s talking yet?”

“No.” It was Danburite who answered, and Greg cringed. “His aphasic symptoms are consistent with _reactive_ mutism, outside of the anxiety attacks, of course. The effects should not be permanent, unless there is internal trauma to the brain we are not aware of.”

Amethyst and Greg shared a wide-eyed look before the man frantically leaned forward. “Brain trauma?! Why - should we take him to the hospital?! I didn’t consider that, will he need a scan or something? Oh, god, I need to call Priyanka - where’s my phone?”

Danburite took a small step backwards from the van, but her voice remained unaffected. “I said it is _possible_ , human Greg. But it’s also highly unlikely. I included that description merely as a reassurance to you, as it is extremely improbable that his brain could be damaged in such a specific way to render him unable to speak, but with all other higher-order cognitive processes available to him. Which he seems to have.”

Setting a thin white hand on the man’s shoulder, she gave it a firm _pat-pat_ that Greg imagined was supposed to be… calming? It wasn’t, but her description did help calm him marginally.

“Geez,” Amethyst remarked with a strained laugh. “You just about gave ol’ Greg here a stroke.”

“Now _that_ ,” Danburite nodded, tapping her own forehead astutely. “ _Could_ make one develop aphasia.”

Greg merely licked his lips, a small storm of anxiety quieting in his stomach. “So… he’s… okay? Doesn’t need any brain scans, or anything?”

“No. That will not be necessary.” Her attention was already reverting back to inspecting his possessions.

Frowning, Greg stared at the strange gem for a moment before turning to Amethyst. She too was watching the white gem, though she sported a bemused expression.

“So how’re you holding up?” Greg asked, genuinely concerned about her and the other’s. This was taking a toll on everyone, he knew.

Amethyst merely shrugged, not meeting his eyes. “It’s all good, for me anyways. But how are you? Holding up okay?”

Patting around the backseat, Greg found his guitar and began to tune it, mostly just to have something to do with his hands.

“Ahh… I’m alright, I think. This is all really freaky and new, so I guess I’m just trying to take things a day at a time. As long as he’s _alive_ …” he trailed off, and Amethyst shot him a look of understanding.

From what the others have told him, which Greg was certainly was subject to plenty of omitted details, Steven had been hurt pretty severely – physically and emotionally. Both his arms were bandaged, and Priyanka had mentioned the possibility of infection. He was no medical expert, but he knew that none of that was particularly good news.

It made him shudder to think about what the Gems _didn’t_ tell him.

“Hmm,” Danburite said, interrupting their silence. She looked curious, sounded curious, and was acting the part.

Amethyst rolled her eyes and scoffed. “ _What_ is it? You know you can just, like, say what you’re thinking on Earth. You don’t have to wait for someone to ask or tell you what to do, Dans.”

The taller gem winced slightly. “I apologize. I was just wondering… what _is_ this? Why are you sitting in it?”

Looking around, realization and relief dawned on Greg as he realized he wasn’t being judged for living like a… retired rockstar… The whole weirdly sterile and proper attitude of Danburite - or, _Dans_ , his mind corrected - had reminded him of too much of the pushy social worker-type you see in the movies. After Priyanka had mentioned the possibilities of CPS being involved, Greg supposed he was a little unfairly on edge.

Besides, the others had the same set of questions for him when they first met, curious about Earth technology. It wasn’t an unusual line of inquiry for someone new to Earth.

“Ahhh,” he patted the metal wall lovingly. “This baby is a whole lot of things - home, history, and music studio all wrapped into one. But, mostly, it’s called a ‘van.’ It’s like a car – do you know what a car is?”

She shook her head.

Greg raised a hand to his forehead, thinking – yes, she must have been _very_ concerned as to why they were relaxing around a giant piece of metal. He allowed himself a quick laugh and refocused his attention to her severe-looking face.

“Well, on Earth, we need to move around to get things like food or go places, since we can’t warp like you guys. So we have ‘cars,’ which are like spaceships, except they don’t move through the air, just along the surface of the planet with wheels. With me so far?”

Nodding, the white gem knelt down, as if verifying his explanation by patting one of the tires. Out of the corner of his eye, Greg noticed Amethyst had laid down with her arms behind her head, seemingly uninterested in the turn of conversation.

“So, a ‘van’ is a lot like a ‘car’, but it’s just… bigger. I can use the back of it to lay down in,” he gestured towards Amethyst, already acting as an example. “Or to eat in, or use as a place to make music. It’s like a human house, or ‘domicile’ but smaller. Or, it’s like a regular car, but bigger.”

The white gem opened her mouth, nodding slowly with what Greg guessed with a question forming on her lips. She never did get to ask whatever it was, as not a moment later Amethyst shot up with mischief in her eyes. “It’s a fusion, oh my god. _Oh my god_ , I just now realized.”

She cackled in the back of the van, holding her stomach.

“Greg _lives_ in a fusion between a house and a car. How did I not realize that sooner?”

The human and white gem exchanged a serious look while Amethyst laughed, and to Greg’s surprise, the gem from the Zoo started to laugh very lightly too. She seemed to have even less of a sense of humor than Lapis, if that was possible, so watching her catch up with the purple gem’s joke was odd... and, kind of nice, if he were being honest. Greg found himself laughing, too.

Things were finally starting to feel normal around Beach City… well, Greg admitted, things were never _normal_ around Beach City, but there was a certain fog attached to the town that seemed to evaporate once Steven left, and now it the clouds opened to a cool rain, washing the shores with welcome relief.

After their laughter died down, the white gem turned around and looked away, that same puzzled look on her face.

Danburite was, admittedly, puzzled - she was consumed with a dozen lines of questioning and research, things she could document and study, considering Earth humor and the strange customs of these planet-bound humans. Her humans at the Zoo were quite different indeed.

Greg turned to Amethyst, opting for a new subject. “Now that you’re done making fun of an an old man’s van - how’s everyone else holding up?”

The purple gem snickered lightly, but her face quickly darkened. “About as well you’d expect. Are you sure _you’re_ okay?

The man readjusted in the back of the van, strumming a tune now that his guitar was settled. “Oh, well, sure. Like I said, I’m worrying my head off over here, but I trust you guys. I know you’re all doing your best, and it’s nice having a doctor-friend on speed dial.”

“Mmm,” Amethyst hummed, her features twisting to an odd expression. Greg didn’t stop playing, but did quirk up a brow.

“Something on your mind, Ams?”

He started to work on a different chord progression, waiting for her to answer. Absently, Greg wondered what he might say to Steven when his son finally comes around to talking to him, trying to prepare for the worst things he could imagine in hopes that he would be relieved rather than disappointed.

“Uh, oh - no, no. Sorry. Just thinking about… Homeworld and junk. We never really got to finish that, uh, conversation from last week…”

For a moment, just long enough for it to be obvious, Greg stopped playing. Right. He hadn’t forgotten about that, either.

Before the Gems arrived, they had been called out to the barn to discuss… the next steps. It hadn’t gone well, and the bitter taste in his mouth was all too familiar.

Amethyst crossed her arms, speaking in a rush. “Just, like, you know, you never got to say your part. What do you think we should do? He’s your kid, and now it’s more about keeping him safe than going and getting him back. But _how_ in the heck do we _do_ that?”

Taking a deep breath, Greg tried to release a little of his annoyance into the air – he could see where Amethyst was coming from, so he tried not to take offense, but this was his son she was talking about. It was a selfish perspective, but there was some truth to what she was saying.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” the purple gems voice trailed off, and she sprung up to go away. She really did sound apologetic.

“W-wait, Amethyst. It’s okay.” Greg could not keep all of the acid out of his tone, but he tried. It was obvious this was tough for her to talk about, and the fact that she came to _him_ meant it really must have been bothering her.

To their joint surprise, Danburite jumped in. “What conversation were you having yesterday?”

Amethyst huffed, but did eventually answer. “We were talking about what comes next, you know? You didn’t think you and Gloomy Pearl would just show up and that would be the end of it?”

Dans frowned. “No, of course not.”

“Well, now we have to deal with this junk. A lot can happen in a few hours, and it’s been _four days!_ I’m going to be _pissed_ if we went through all of that, you guys got him to Earth, and then the Diamonds come knocking on our front door and demanding we give him back, cause there’s _no way_ I would give him back, but they aren’t just gonna turn around and leave.”

 _That_ seemed to alarm the white gem, who bowed her head, examining her fingers.

“I suppose that would not be very good.”

A little sharper than she intended, Amethyst snapped at her. “No, I _suppose_ not.”

Greg had gone back to plucking the strings of his old guitar, processing all that the purple gem had said.

“Ugh…” he eventually grumbled. As a father, Greg wanted nothing more than to be absolutely thrilled that his son had returned, but it was obvious things weren't going to be that simple. All things come at a price.

He stopped playing the music. "I guess it's hard for me to say, given that I don't know everything, but my instincts are telling me you guys can’t just do _nothing_. There’s a hundred prison break movies, and they all include a big part where the cops search for the main guy. Sometimes he gets away, but other times… I just have a bad vibe. I don't know."

Amethyst let out a grunt, kicking her legs over the edge of the van. "Exactly. I’ve been thinking that, too. Like, if we’re going to try to hide him, wouldn’t _this_ be the first place Homeworld would look…?"

Greg even scoffed at that. Literally, the police would always turn up to the heroes house, question his family and friends. "Point taken. Thanks for asking my two-cents, by the way.”

“I know my insight isn’t super helpful since I don’t _get_ it, but I appreciate you asking.”

The purple gem waved half-heartedly, looking at the cement to keep her sudden chagrin hidden. Amethyst wasn’t used to such direct compliments, so it had taken her aback.

A few minutes of silence, but for Greg’s strumming chords, settled between them all. Eventually, Danburite was the one to disrupt it, and her voice sounded a bit off. What Greg had come to expect as disconcertingly bland was just a _pitch_ higher, almost soft.

“It probably does not mean much, as it is not exactly a suitable alternative, but both you and Steven are always welcome back at the Zoo.”

Unable to help himself, Greg broke into a smile. “Thanks. I’ll probably pass, I didn’t exactly leave on a good note. Broke a lot of hearts that day.”

Expecting a laugh and earning none, Greg pursed his lips and returned to his music, watching the white gem oddly take a seat in the sand - they would have made room for her in the back, but perhaps she did not want to sit in a "van."

"You are a strange one, to choose a gem as an intimate partner.” She began, and both Greg and Amethyst immediately went rigid. Nope, he was not about to have _this_ conversation with a near-stranger.

“Ah-hah - sure, R-Rose was the mysterious one, though!” He slapped his knee, face feeling sweaty.

“I did not know Rose Quartz,” Danburite spoke slowly, lips thin. “But I have heard the stories. So strange. The product of a human who went against his kind and a gem who went against her’s. No wonder Steven is so…” she trailed off, head slightly bobbing from side-to-side.

Greg coughed and began to play the melody to _Comet_ , humming to perhaps dissuade her from talking anymore about his and Rose’s love life.

Rather suddenly, Danburite shot up to standing and began to pace, apparently reasoning something out while Greg and Amethyst played the role of unintentional audience.

"I wish he had listened to me the first time - I told him, you know,” she glanced their way, tone hollow. “I told him that self sacrifice is _not_ noble. And I believe that, but perhaps my approach was wrong? Perhaps it is just his nature to go against basic reasoning. It may not be the sense of heroics, but rather a _duty_? Yes. There is, after all, a difference between what one considers _necessary_ and what one considers _noble_ , but in both cases the logic is sound. It never gotten to the point of necessity to put himself in danger, so therefore, I can only conclude his doing so was merely symptomatic of his sense of _duty_ , feeling compelled by this strange sense of loyalty he must feel towards both species. But he cannot, to use your culture’s historical motif, be the hero of both stories.”

She stopped walking abruptly, bowing her head in a knowing way towards Greg.

And bless Daniburite's heart, because neither Amethyst nor Greg had any idea what she was talking about now, so her apparent attempt to connect with them both was entirely lost. But they gathered from her tone that she was at least _trying_ to sympathize, so Greg adopted an appreciative grin and returned to singing to himself, deep in thought. Duty and nobility and heroes? This wasn’t a story, he noted ruefully; this was his life.

Greg cleared his throat after a pause, and he turned his voice serious while sending a wink to the purple gem. "You know, Dans, you _sure_ do know a lot about humans to know absolutely nothing about humanity."

Danburite's head shot up indignantly, but the two in the van started to roar with laughter. While the joke did not seem to actually make it to the stoic gem, the irritation in her features seemed to disappear, replaced instead by a small laugh of her own.

 _Yes_ , Danburite thought, taking stock of the situation. _More Earth humor_.

Confused but eager to try her hand at this 'back-and-forth' style of comedy, she put a hand to her hip and addressed Greg specifically.

" _Well_. You sure do know a lot about... _Gems_ … to not be one."

The two in the van had been shocked silent for several long seconds, and the white gem narrowed her eyes dubiously. The moment was fleeting, however, as Amethyst and Greg began to absolutely burst at the seam with giggles. Danburite chose to join in the mirth, feeling rather pleased with her successful joke.

 

* * *

 

That morning’s training wrapped up with a refreshing echo of familiarity -  at least, Pearl felt that way. She liked to think Connie shared the sentiment, but Pearl did not ask, and the girl did not offer.

They had always been like that. It was normal for their sessions to end with an oddly cathartic sense of accomplishment, for Connie to stretch out her muscles and Pearl to clean up any mess they had made, but seldom they shared actual words. Just a companionable silence and the occasional wistful smile.

Sometimes, for the benefit of improving Connie’s confidence, Pearl _would_ offer praise on specific techniques in which she noticed improvement on her student’s part. Those were the exceptions. Most of time, they simply exited the Sky Arena together quietly, Connie walking with a satisfied lethargy that Pearl could relate to, at least in spirit. It was a gesture, an air about her that says, _it’s done, until another day._

And that’s what this was all about, wasn’t it? Another day. They trained so they could fight, another day, someday. Just, not today.

Pearl stood in the kitchen while Connie excused herself to change in the bathroom, and she rapt her fingers on the counter in a short staccato rhythm. In her other hand, she was trying to read one of the glossy-folded pieces of paper Connie had brought to them under Dr. Maheshwaran’s instruction. Supposedly, it was a takeaway from the hospital, containing specialized information that might be helpful helping Steven to recover. A dozen more were spread out across the counter, and Pearl eyed them wearily.

_When a Friend or Loved One Has Been Traumatized_

_Selective Mutism (SM) Basics_

_Abuse, Neglect and Coping Mechanisms_

_Children and Trauma_

_What is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)?_

_Health Risk Factors for Abuse Survivors_

Lip curling involuntarily, Pearl’s hands moved to straighten the haphazardous mess, and when all was said and done, the neatly folded papers only stood but an inch high. For now, she felt it best to tuck them in a drawer, not wanting Steven to see them.

Pearl let her attention wander around the house.

Across the counter, Garnet and Amethyst were speaking in low voices about their unexpected visitors that morning, the… donut children. With Greg closing the carwash and setting up camp outside the Temple, Steven’s human companions started to wonder what was happening. For as much as they all cared about Steven, it seemed only fair to give them some sort of reassurance that he was home, safe and sound.

Literally, Pearl could see him right now, sitting up in bed. He was looking at Danburite, who sat cross-legged at the end of the mattress, pointing out things and asking him questions.

So why did it not feel like he was neither safe, nor sound?

Running out of distractions, Pearl tuned in to the only other presence in the house, of which she was acutely aware. In her periphery, Blue was perched by the window, so still she could have been carved from stone. Her posture and mild-long stare reminded Pearl of those silly sailor tales, back when humans first began to navigate the oceans. Seated elegantly, silently, Blue was the maiden that watched the sea and waited for her long lost love to return. Unfortunately, what her fellow Pearl had lost was something that could not be returned by water or earth, fire or wind, time or tears.

Blue Diamond had been cracked and bubbled.

Yellow Diamond had been _shattered_ , and yet, her Pearl was painstakingly close. Yellow floated idly in a lone blue bubble, hovering in the company of hundreds of pink and purple neighbors just beyond the Temple door. There, her corruption was quieted by the safety of her small enclosure, with every other gem Pearl had failed to save the first time.

It made her stomach roil just to imagine the fallout their failed rescue might have had on Homeworld, just like their rebellion had done to Earth. The ends would never justify the means. _Never_. The first time, too many comrades had been lost, shattered and fused as shards of themselves, or those lucky enough to have survived were subjected to the rotting consciousness of festering corruption. Just for her, Garnet, Amethyst and Rose to be free? It didn’t seem fair.

And now, from the little she was able to glean from Blue, in corroboration with Danburite’s story, Homeworld, Pearl had to believe, was under the unified control of the single remaining Diamond.

She shuddered to think what might be going on there, if Yellow had been corrupted so soon after them leaving, and Blue had said she’d been badly hurt… For as many gems they had lost on Earth, Homeworld had at least ten times as many, and how many more across all of the colonies...

_No. No, I need to focus. Steven needs me here, now._

Pearl shook her head and tried to focus, and at that exact moment, the bathroom door opened and Connie returned. The girl looked pleased with herself, probably still basking in the adrenaline from their training, and wore a determined smile when she caught Pearl’s eye.

“Ready to go?” Pearl asked, surprised by her own spirited voice. Confidence seemed so rare these days.

She had changed out of her training gear into simple jeans and t-shirt, which seemed a bit more appropriate for where they were going.

“Yes, ma’am. Ready when you all are.”

“Alright, alright,” Amethyst leapt down from her seat at the counter. “Lemme shapeshift into a box of tissues so Pearl can bawl her eyes out for a few minutes.”

Garnet’s voice was a warning. “Amethyst.”

The white gem sniffed and held her head a bit higher. “I’ll be fine, thanks.”

What usually might have sparked an argument or a round of laughter fell a little flat, eliciting only a smirk from Garnet and a half-hearted chuckle from Connie. With legs made of lead, Pearl dragged herself to stand on the warp pad with Amethyst, watching Garnet and Connie ascend the stairs. They immediately caught Danburite’s and Steven’s attention upon doing so, and the former stopped talking. Connie waved timidly when his attention fell to her.

“Hello, Steven,” Garnet began as she knelt beside him, slow and deliberate as she did so. He didn’t flinch. “We’re going to be going out for a little while today, but we didn’t want to alarm you. Just a quick check to the barn to see how Lapis and… ah, just to see how Lapis is doing.”

His brow furrowed, and after a moment, he nodded. Pearl could sense the tension leaking through her carefully composed mask, knowing how bad they all felt for purposefully excluding Peridot. It was for the best, she reminded herself, knowing that if Garnet mentioned her it might bring a wave a panic that he certainly didn’t need.

“Dani and Blue will be here with you, and Greg is outside. Pearl made some sandwiches for you, they’re in the fridge. Try to eat again today, if you feel up for it.” She paused, and Steven sort of shrug-nodded. At least it was an acknowledgment.

Connie took a step forward, and Pearl could see she was nervous.

Bouncing on her toes and fidgeting with her fingers, she spoke. “And I have the whole day to hang out, after! I just wanted to see Lapis and make sure she’s doing okay. It’s all still weird adjusting, you know?”

Steven’s lack of response seemed to make her only more nervous, so she shot into further explanation.

“And, um, we shouldn’t be long! Think of something you want to do and we’ll do it when I get back, okay? I think the MaroonCrate has Dogcopter now, so we could pick up the DVD or something if you want.”

A brief silence as Steven thought about her suggestions, and he did the same shrug-nod again, but this time with a small smile.

“Now be good, cutie pie,” Garnet reached to very softly ruffle his hair, and his smile only flickered for a moment.

Sharper than intended, Pearl beckoned them to the warp pad once they were down the steps. “Come, let’s not leave them waiting.”

“ _Relax_ , P,” Amethyst nudged. “He’ll be okay.”

Pearl almost wanted to scoff, but thought better of it.

Instead, she allowed herself to be immersed in the cool sensation of warp stream, her form phasing through wisps of light and flutters of atmosphere as they departed. An oddly comforting smell of grass and pollen greeted her as they arrived, and Pearl was quick to step off the pad.

“Let’s not waste any more time,” she said, mostly to herself. Connie gave her a firm “hmmp!” and kept her pace, Garnet and Amethyst lagging just a bit behind.

Beautiful pastures spread in every direction, a sea of green to explore at the top of each hill and walls of life to examine in each valley as they crossed to the barn. While the barn itself was in a near-comical state of disrepair, it seemed the landscape never changed but with the colors of the seasons, and she found something to be appreciated in that. Resilience of life on Earth, she thought, casting a quick glance to her off-colored human student.

By the time they reached the final slope, they could hear Lapis’s voice harshly shouting towards the red structure that occupied the field, doors wide open.

 _“Peridot! Hey, they’re here!_ ” The water gem zoomed down to stand on bare earth, eyeing inside the barn with a scowl.

The group approached the barn while Lapis stood, arms-crossed, at the door. If she began to tap her foot, Pearl might have laughed for the uncanny look of _impatience_ the gem was displaying right now. It was borderlining a caricature. She heard a mumble behind her from Garnet, who had paused momentarily at the largely uprooted streak of mud and dirt that stood out against the green like a brutal wound. Amethyst stood with her, gazing at the landmark like it had insulted her cut of gemstone.

Pearl guessed, in some sense, it probably felt that way.

Thankfully, Peridot did not take much longer, and when she returned it with a blanket, patterned with rows of tiny green-headed aliens, shrouding her head. In a way, it was reminiscent of Steven as a child when he would hide beneath the covers, but it looked both more hilarious and more somber when Peridot did it.

“Uh,” was all Pearl managed, and Connie cocked her head to the side.

“She’s been moping,” Lapis offered with a small smile.

The tiny gem fiercely drew down the ‘hood’ of the blanket, instead securing it around her shoulders.

“False! _Moping_ would imply that I am doing nothing to improve my feelings. For your information,” she turned brusquely to address Pearl, chin pointing high in the air. “I’ve been working on a meep-morp to _excess_ myself.”

“I think you mean, _express_ ,” Connie pointed out, and it sounded very much like she was trying not to laugh.

Peridot grimaced, brow drawn together in a thoughtful way. “No, no, I’m certain Steven said ex-cess. As in, I need to _excess_ my feelings.”

Lapis was wearing a look that suggested, _seriously_ , _don’t bother,_ but Connie must not have seen it.

“I get that, but, _excess_ means… like, an abundance, or extra of something you don’t really need...” The pink girl said, a little chuckle slipping out.

“Exactly,” Peridot nodded, wandering back into the barn for a moment and returning with her tablet attached to her forearm. “I don’t need any of these stupid _emotions_ , so I am trying to rid myself of them. See, I am _exorcising_ , the verb of _excess_ , of emotion. There are plenty of helpful tips online I managed to procure on how to perform an exorcism. So, no, I am _not_ moping. I’m _morping_.”

Pearl decided to step in at this point, in part to get off the subject, but mostly because she could hear Garnet and Amethyst returning.

“Peridot, what you’re doing is, ah, very… nice. To want to feel better by confronting how you feel, head on, and trying to fix it.” She put a hand on the little gem’s shoulder, squeezing through the blanket. “But an emotional exorcism won’t help. You need to _accept_ how you feel and work through it, not try to strip yourself of the feelings entirely.”

The head of pointed hair glowered at her tablet. “I suppose those instructional videos _did_ usually involve some sort of otherworldly life force and possessions… yes, I suppose it’s good then that I’ve only made those morps and didn’t do anything else! Also, I will be right back.”

Abruptly, the green gem turned away and shot back into the barn again. Pearl could have sworn she saw Lapis’ face twitch into a smile, but when she looked again, the blue gem’s face was blank.

Peridot returned not thirty seconds later, her hands and arms spotted in what looked like white chalk dust. Sharing a deliberate look with Connie, Pearl chose to just let it go as Garnet and Amethyst rejoined them at the barn doors.

Heavily, Lapis released a sigh and knocked twice, absently, against the side of the barn door. She invited them to sit around the hay bales on the side of the building, like they had the day Steven returned to, but this time their orientation was all wrong.

At the helm, in front of the bales, Pearl made herself stand perfectly still beside Lapis, thinking the ocean gem looked about as anxious as she felt. Garnet, Connie, and Amethyst sat together in a clump, and Peridot was laying on her front just slightly to their left, supporting her torso with her elbows. Her blanket was still draped around her small body.

“Right, so,” the white gem began, casting a gaze over all of them. “I think you know why we asked you here.”

Lapis gripped an arm across her chest, adding, “We would have told you sooner, but things just really got out of control.”

Garnet gave them both a tiny, patient nod, while everyone else seemed to adjust a bit uncomfortably.

“In spite of all that happened, we never did get to discuss what exactly happened when we went our separate ways after the ship went down. Well, except Peridot,” Pearl nodded in her direction, and the gem turned a slightly darker shade of green. Accidentally trapping herself in a robonoid wasn’t exactly one of her proudest moments.

“Lapis and I learned some… things that happened to Steven while on Homeworld. We confronted a Peridot belonging to White Diamond, who shared with us some logs. Apparently, she was instructed to, well, with him... ahh...” she hesitated, chewing her lip in search of the right word.

Lapis’s interjected with a dangerous, almost seething tone. “ _Experiments_. That’s what they did, might as well just… say it. They did all sorts of tests and... hurt him if he didn’t comply. It was some of the most…” Her voice cut-out, and with a frustrated scowl, Lapis dropped her head. “I can’t explain. I didn’t even understand a lot of it.”

She met eyes with Pearl, who nodded and picked up from there. “And what we did understand was… very bad. It was, t-torture, really. Torture designed as medical experimentations.”

Unsurprisingly, their audience appeared horrified by this news. Well, it wasn’t exactly _news_ \- there were clear indications that Steven had been hurt and malnourished, with all the signs of neglect and manipulation on top of his physical condition, but they hadn’t understood the context. For a reason Pearl couldn’t even begin to explain, the idea of _medical experimentation_  made the whole thing seem much more… invasive and personal. Too many images she never wanted to imagine of tables and test tubes and syringes and blood began to bubble up the surface, and Pearl barely managed to choke them down. What had _been_ on those logs? There were twenty-five of them, and they hadn’t listened to a single one.

“The best we know is that these experiments ended with drawing his blood or him… crying, and collecting his tears. They were administered by one particular Peridot, at least that we know of, the most intense of which happened over the span of three days.”

Unintentionally, Pearl glanced towards their Peridot, and her throat grew tight. The gem looked… _sad_. Really, genuinely sad. Devastation coupled with understanding combined to a heartbreaking mixture.

It wasn’t until that moment that Pearl realized she had never, in the time they’ve known Peridot, ever seen her as _sad_. Sure, she was an animated personality, and Pearl had seen her in a lot of states - angry, petulant, excited, protective, curious, competitive… but never had she actually seen her look so… ruined.

Pearl almost backed out of this, just at the sight alone, and the others weren’t in much better of a state. Unfortunately, they needed to know this if they were ever going to move forward… that’s what the _Acceptance, Support, and Surviving Trauma_ pamphlet had told her.

She took a seat, crossing her legs on the makeshift chair, and gestured for Lapis to take the spot next to her.

They were only getting started.

 

* * *

 

It would be nice to turn his mind off for a little while, if it didn’t require going to sleep. Steven would happily just sit in a waking haze if he could; observing and absorbing the world around him, without constantly analyzing everything.

But that was the problem. _Everything_ made him anxious, so he had to analyze it to calm down. Then again, if he was wasting time analyzing, instead of out searching for whatever White Diamond wanted, the fear of her coming for his family made him even more anxious. So he would analyze some more, and it eventually created a compulsory, cycle, a constant state of drowning in his own mind.

Steven was so sick and tired of just thinking, constantly, unable to do anything. It was like he was a prisoner in his own body, and the opaque walls made it nigh impossible to escape.

At first, the problem had been with such overwhelming information it felt he would vomit trying to recount it all. He hadn’t known how to possible _tell_ the Gems all of it in anyway that could possibly make sense, to explain the dream he had, or to express how sorry he was, or how he shouldn’t be there, wasting their time.

He began to feel a bit steadier in their company after that first, terrible night. Lapis and Danburite, for instance, were incredibly welcome company. He found he didn’t know as much about Lapis as he wished he did, and listening to her unravel her stories from before the mirror and even those while in the mirror were illuminating, though talking about that seemed to make her sad. It was nice to be trusted with her stories, though, and Steven treasured them like little gifts. Spending time with Dani was almost the exact opposite, in that when _she_ spoke or asked him questions - with a clear expectation that he was not under any pressure to actually answer -  her ramblings were usually facts and figures about her research and about humans in general. He’d never gone to a traditional school, but he envisioned it was like the difference between going to art or history class and science or math. Both were interesting and enlightening, and he at least didn’t feel like the time was entirely wasted if it was spent learning.

Garnet didn’t seem too bothered by his… “condition,” which made her easier to be around. That’s what they were referring to it as, and Steven honestly didn’t know if he liked it or not. It was nice that the others were acknowledging that something was wrong with him, but they also discussed it like something that they could treat, something they could fix.

Steven didn’t know how to tell them that he was certain there was no fixing him. And even if he knew how, he was confident he couldn’t actually speak the words. He was too far gone.

Literally, he was incapable of describing it - he tried to speak, twice. Both times, it felt like something had sewn shut his throat, sealing out all the air and trapping his words inside his chest. His stomach would cramp with fear. Cold sweats and a jackhammer would try to crack his sternum, disguised as his heart, and it was all followed by the unusual feeling of embarrassment. After all, he was a teenager, he _knew_ how to talk. It was frustrating and shameful, and the longer he couldn’t explain what he needed to do, the more danger he put them in.

Still, even while burdened by that knowledge, he couldn’t speak. His voice had been left behind on Homeworld, it seemed.

The house was mostly empty for the first time since he had woken up, and the notion was actually somewhat peaceful. The Crystal Gems weren’t here, they weren’t all watching him, glancing away if he met their eyes. Their smiles weren’t guarded and they didn’t look afraid he might shatter if they moved too quickly.

Not that he held any personal offense against them. He betrayed them, back on Homeworld, more than once. He put them all in danger then and he was doing it again now.

Danburite shifted on the edge of the bed, and he had almost forgotten she was there for how still she was sitting. Blue Pearl was here, too, he remembered.

“Steven, it’s probably about time to redress your wound”

He blinked, carefully repositioning to look at her, careful not to bed his right arm. The scarred one didn’t hurt the slightest; it just hurt to look at.

She smiled at him, but it wasn’t one of genuine joy - it was a bit off, like she’d been caught in the middle of a pleasant daydream.

“I can tell by your expression you are not excited. I am sorry, but it is important to check it frequently.” She paused, tapping a finger to her chin. “In fact, it may be even easier without the others crowding, so my suggestion would be sooner rather than later. If it is okay, I will go get the supplies?”

Sucking his teeth, Steven heaved a little sigh but managed to give her a smile, to show he approved. The bandaging itself didn’t hurt, it was taking _off_ the bandage that did. It stuck around the puncture mark and, frankly, smelled a little gross, like sweat and antiseptic mixed together. The whole thing made his stomach churn; another uncomfortable reminder of being human.

As Dani got up and headed to the living room - the supplies were neatly organized, arranged on the coffee table - a new voice surprised them both.

“Umm… May I… help?”

Blue Pearl had shifted, ever so slightly, from her frozen spot by the window. Steven and Dani looked at one another before looking back to her, and she ducked her head timidly.

Not unkindly, the white gem spoke while she gathered what she needed. “I would not say no to one extra set of hands, but it is Steven’s decision.”

Steven, for his part, was still trying to grasp that Blue Pearl had actually _said_ something. He found the notion surprising, like a brisk chill on a Summer morning, refreshed but startled by its appearance.

He nodded hastily, and fluid as water, she rose and moved to stand behind Danburite.

“Here,” Dani placed gauze and tape into her hands, carrying wash cloth, bin, latex gloves, and acetaminophen in her own. (“A rather impressive human attempt at creating medicine,” Danburite had told him. He wondered if she had some sort of alternative at her little clinic on Pink Diamond’s Zoo.)

They quietly made their way upstairs, and Steven was surprised to feel a little anticipation flutter in his chest. It was nice seeing them together again, working together, like they had on Homeworld. In all that he had done wrong, they were at least one pair of Gems he had managed to do right by.

When Dani moved to roll up his sleeves, Steven raised his left arm palm facing out - _hold on_. Blue was watching him carefully, and Steven bit his lip when a pale brow peeked up above Danburite’s visor.

“What is it? Did you change your mind?”

Shaking his head, Steven turned carefully and pointed to the corner of his desk.

“You would like some water?”

Again, Steven shook his head, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

Before he had the chance to better explain, Blue Pearl let out a very small, almost inaudible gasp.

“ _Oh_.” She reached into the drawer, pulling out pen and paper. “He wants to write. To tell us something.”

Beaming, Steven nodded. He was glad she understood; he thought she might. Pearl had brought it to him in case he felt like drawing, which he hadn’t, though he guessed it was probably under the guise of trying to get him to talk via writing. Again, at first, he hadn’t found the option appealing - he hadn’t anything to say to them.

Accepting the writing tools, Steven awkwardly situated the paper on his lap and wrote with his left hand.

Steven didn’t have great penmanship before, and given that he was right-handed, the result was… well, it came out pretty awful.

Legible, but awful.

Blue Pearl, for the first time since he’s known her, actually smiled.

Sounding her usual amount of disinterested, Dani patted him twice on the head. “Do not be silly, Steven. We both owe you more than we could ever repay.” She did pause, offering him a very small smile. “Unfortunately, we will have to take your book for now. Once I have rebandaged you, you may have it back.”

Feeling little emboldened by Blue Pearl’s show of happiness, Steven stuck his tongue out at Dani when she reached for it. She stared at him, and after a pregnant pause, the white gem surprised them both bursting with laughter. It was, in Steven’s frank opinion, a very unnatural sounding laugh, like she was narrating from a script that read, “ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,” but somehow, it sounded genuine and absolutely sounded like _her._ Steven could not picture her laughing in any other way.

She took the seat beside him and resumed rolling up his sleeves, and Steven allowed Blue Pearl to take back his notebook.

“You are a special half-gem, Steven,” said the attending gem, growing thoughtful after a moment. “Well, you may be the _only_ half-gem to have ever existed, but my original statement is still valid. Now let me take a look at that wound…”

Not interested in looking at it himself, Steven was glad to crane his neck up and away, catching Blue Pearl from his periphery. She stood perfectly still, observing with reverent attention, her lips so thin they were nearly absent from her face entirely.

“I wish there had been another way,” she admitted, so quiet Steven barely heard her. The gem’s bangs covered her eyes as she slightly bowed her head. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

Steven didn’t want her to feel guilty, and tempted though he was to open his lips and tell her that he did not blame her, he instead exhaled an uncomfortable hiss of air as the bandage was peeled back.

“I will clean it now,” Dani informed them, mostly so Steven could brace himself. “Pearl, please ready two pieces of tape, approximately four inches in length each, and two strips of gauze.”

And so the two gems worked in silence for several minutes, Steven trying not to squirm at the prodding and pressure of Dani tending to him. She also insisted on taking his temperature, but they all gave up on that idea when none of them could figure out how the thermometer worked. Steven was pretty sure it was one of those annoying under-the-tongue contraptions, and he had an inkling of how Pearl usually used it, but he had no idea how he could explain it to either of them - with or without words.

“A puzzling device,” Danburite mused as she stood from the bed, pulling the covers back over his torso. “We will have to wait until later. After another cup of water, you may have your book back.”

Steven visibly pouted, feeling a bit mislead when they had taken his notebook away - he had just figured out a way to communicate with them, after all! But he knew she was coming from a place of concern, so he shakily reached over to the dresser and took a few gulps, trying to ignore the burn in his throat as it settled in his stomach. Dully, he admired how cool the glass felt in his hand and rested his forehead against the cup, taking several deep breaths before drinking more.

Eventually, apparently satisfied, Dani gave Blue a curt nod and the lithe gem moved quickly to stand beside him, carefully returning the notebook back into his lap as he had done so before. She held out the pen in her hand, waiting, but Steven did not accept it at first.

He was staring at the page, his proverbial chicken scratch now accompanied by two small words, written in perfect calligraphy with a small accompanying picture.

A tiny cartoon version of what was clearly Blue Pearl stood, hands clasped in front of her wearing a winning smile. She had a speech bubble branching off to one side.

 


	4. Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time, as it turns out, does not heal all wounds. Two weeks is a very long time for some, and very little time, for others. It's starting to pull them apart.

Two weeks.

Somehow, it had been _two weeks_ since Steven returned to Earth, and he still didn’t understand how time could possibly move so quickly. In space, it had all seemed slowed down… but then, that might be a factor of the days endlessly spent counting the diamonds on the floor of his holding cell. His blue cell had 2,450 exactly - that was the longest time he’d spent, just waiting, and waiting.

Time was a slippery thing, and it made him uneasy. Some things he remembered sharper than others, and he wasn’t sure if he was always like that, or if it was something new. Like all 2,450 diamonds in that cell. He remembered those, but other things were a little... fuzzier. It felt like a strain to remember things about who he was before, but whoever he was now, that version of himself was getting restless. Waiting. So much waiting.

Steven almost preferred the torture to the _waiting._

It was the first thought that broke through his consciousness as he awoke from sleep.

At least he knew torture could not go on forever, at least he could brace himself for hurt. At least time would heal those scars, rather than carve out slower, messy ones that confused him as minutes, hours, days slipped by.

His nightmares had gotten worse, so he slept at odd times. The night if he could, but often during the days - it felt like he just slept, whenever he could, waiting inevitably for some sort of guidance, some sort of _mission_. That’s what this had to come down to, right? White Diamond needed something from Earth, and gave him no guidance whatsoever, and he was left grasping at any tiny pieces of information he could glean from the Gem’s to see if they might be hiding something obvious.

_“Aha, yes! This super mega deathblaster will surely make Homeworld fall! The wicked White Diamond will never see our faultless plan coming, ho ho ho!”_

He can hear a evil-doctor version of Sardonyx cackle the words in his head, because in his mind, it had to be Sardonyx who would wield something named a _deathblaster_. And that if it was, this could be _easy_. Something he could expect, like destroying it or disarming it or whatever. Something mercifully _tangible_.

But their conversations were never so obvious, sometimes muttering low in the kitchen. The moment they realized he was awake, the subject changed rather quickly from Homeworld, and the whole charade of smiles and strain was exhausting.

His body was so tired. So, so tired. And yet, he waited, and waited, and did not get up unless told to, and did not really react unless addressed directly. He ate more easily now, just to do it and get it over with when Pearl put food in front of him, and he tried to answer questions if he could when they asked, thanks to Blue Pearl’s writing innovation, but it became harder. It lost its novelty after a few days, when they would ask him questions and he felt like his arms were made of lead so he couldn’t write out a response. It turned to a prewritten **YES** or **NO** and he would usually just point.

_“Do you hurt at all?”_

_Yes_ , he ached to say. But that would make them worry, and worries would make them care even more, and caring would make leaving _so much harder_.

**NO.**

“ _Dr. Maheshwaran is going to draw your blood, to have it tested. Dani could do it too if you’d feel… better that way. Is that okay?”_

He saw the needles drawn out of Dr. Maheswaran’s medical bag before his eyes found Garnet, or maybe Lapis - whoever had just been speaking to him, he wasn’t even sure - and his limbs quivered unexpectedly.

_Just a needle, it’s just a needle, you’ve done this more than a dozen times, they know where to and how to and everyone is here and you’re fine. You’re fine. Just a little bit of your blood. Not even plasma. Just a little. No crying. No fighting. Just a little blood. You’re fine._

**YES.**

He wasn’t fine.

_Steven, umm, my Mom thinks… there could be some stuff from the er, scars, that could be making it harder on you. We… in the Kindergarten, we remember hearing it. What they did to you. I know you probably don’t want to, but it could be really important to all that’s going on - so, do you, do you think you could maybe try to explain? What the different things mean, and what they… do, to you?_

Connie sounded so sad that day. He thinks it was yesterday, but it might have been a few days ago. It was hard to tell and Steven rubbed a hand over his eyes.

This one he knows will be more than he can handle right now, and he can already feel his ribs cracking from Yellow Diamond’s electricity, or the way he _hated_ himself, hated _everything_ , from Blue Diamond’s sorrow. White Diamond’s would be even harder.

**NO.**

Connie surprised him, though, because her expression barely flickered. A moment of disappointment, but it vanished almost as suddenly as it appeared.

 _T-That’s okay! I can’t imagine… Steven, you’re being so brave. And if, you know, if you’re_ okay _with it… we could ask Blue Pearl about it. She probably knows a lot, you know, being a Diamond’s Pearl and stuff, she might be able to fill us in and you don’t even have to talk about it? Would you be okay with that?_

Steven understood. They wanted to know as much as they can, but don’t want to hurt his feelings by overstepping. It’s considerate, and he realized they are only trying to help, but something about knowing that the others had clearly expected the conversation to go this way, that they had Connie prepared with a speech, made him feel weirdly… exterior. Like he was watching a screen of himself and Connie have the conversation, rather than living it himself, and he watched him point his finger down at the paper and watched himself smile and nod at her, and she returned the expression with twice as much enthusiasm.

**YES.**

_No_ , _I don’t want them to know,_ part of him pleaded, but that part was locked out. Not allowed out when the others were around and trying so hard -- _too hard_ \-- to help him.

They had some conversations about smaller things, the weather, his food, if he was okay, if he needed anything, if there was anything they could do to help, because if there’s _anything_ , they would say - just say it.

He didn’t use the notebook for much else anymore, though Blue Pearl and Connie had doodled a few pictures in the margins of a few pages, which were nice to look at sometimes.

He started to feel… what was it? Cold? Lonely? Not exactly, but it was close. Like he was running a marathon, and the finish line never seemed to get closer, and he could only go on for so long. His heart hammered and his lungs protested but he tried to keep going, because there really wasn’t anywhere else to go but forward, even if the sheen of sweat on his brow made him itchy or the finish line moved so far away it blinked out of existence.

They all treated him like glass, like he might break if they said the wrong thing. Would he? Maybe. He really wasn’t sure, and was even less certain as the days stretched on.

Pushing away the last holds of sleep, Steven’s eyes dragged open, and the harsh glare of the house lights shone down at his heavily-lidded gaze. Automatically, his attention searched for his alarm clock, and he found it was just passed 4:30 PM - but that couldn’t be right? The sky outside was much too dark, with a monochromic wash of grays staining the surrounding sands. As if that wasn’t unsettling enough in its own right, it was so _quiet._ No laughter of people throwing around beach balls, no chattering gems at his back, no crying seagulls. Just still shores, with a slight slap of wind sending shells astride the coast, and his own small stirrings of awareness. There was no on in the Beach House but him, and it was the first time he was totally unsupervised.

It was weird.

His chest felt tight, like the sudden absence of his friends and family had begun to carve the space between his ribs. The stillness alarmed him. He hadn’t remembered silence so thick since he was bound in Blue Diamond’s holding cell for nearly two weeks. 2,450 diamonds on the ceiling. Meals of geometric fruit. The wrist cuffs that he would never, ever forget. _Could_ not, for their colorful circuitry stained his arm as brightly as they had the day he received the first mark. There were so many now, his own pockets of pale skin seemed harder to pick out.

Steven worried. He hated that, like a constant roil in his stomach, zapping him of energy and pushing things like hunger to the back of his mind. He fed himself with doubts, and questions, and so many worries.

Because it was starting to feel normal, and this _could not be_ normal.

Steven knew he didn’t belong here anymore. He had felt desperate to convey this to the others in the beginning, trying to form words and then letters on paper, but those methods did not work. It didn’t exactly matter, though - it did not take long for them to realize it on their own. A puzzle piece from the third edition, it didn’t fit into this fourth edition model of the Crystal Gems. There was a spot for his piece, but the piece was too small, too bent at the edges, and didn’t really fit anymore.

Still, they _cherished_ him being here, even if it didn’t make sense. A ghost in his own house, it was all familiar-but-not, because nothing was different, but everything was different, because _he was different_ ; their denial only made it all harder because he knew the goodbye was as inevitable as the tide coming in.

Still, Lapis ate with him, and Pearl pet his hair when she thought he was sleeping, and Garnet watched him for endless hours across the length of the room, or sat with him quietly. Amethyst was making an effort, he knew, and he hated that he couldn’t force down the wall between them. A part of him knew - _knew_ \- this was just _Amethyst_. Amethyst he’d known his entire life. She had to know what happened by now. Garnet, Blue Pearl - surely, _someone_ must have told her. So why did she not resent him? Why did she not grimace or keep her distance or scream at him for _killing_ her friends?

Because that’s what he did. He killed an Amethyst, a Jasper, with _their_ hands, and then, with his own shield, shattered a begging Rose Quartz, and had cracked so many more during the trials. Opalite reminded him of that often. _They_ were the only one he spoke to, which he recognized was probably the farthest thing from healthy, but what choice did he have? He hadn’t been able to say a single word in fourteen days.

In those fourteen days, the wound on his arm did not, by some miracle, get an infection and began to finally heal. Danburite and Dr. Maheshwaran rejoiced over the technical details, but in all honesty, Steven only began to feel worse. The wound was healing, but it still hurt, and every time his heart would race he _swore_ he could feel the tiny incision more acutely, like his body was careful to rush around the hole left behind.

He hated to admit it, but the infection had been something he’d actually… _hoped_ for. It didn’t sound pleasant - _not at all_ \- but it also seemed so _human_. Something that happens to teenagers when they get a bad cut or there’s some sort of accident, something that would have given him a tangible excuse to sit in bed, at least justifying all his waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

After staring blankly towards the ceiling, Steven turned his head to gaze out the window and out to the empty shore. Why was it so dark? Maybe this was another nightmare, and he hadn’t woken up at all? It might explain the absence of his family, but they were usually… not like this. This wasn’t so scary. There were no Rose Quartzes, no pools of blood, no crumbling Kindergarten, no White Diamond, no silhouette of Pink Diamond and all the mysteries that surrounded her. This was just dark, and empty, and it was uncomfortable.

A rumble rolled heavily, high above the roof with a resonating fullness that prompted Steven to sit up. He looked outside, more carefully this time, and realized that the scene was not what he feared.

It was just… weather.

Normal, stormy, beach weather.

It drove the beach-goers into shelter, darkened the sky and the grounds below, and cast grays over everything.

This was normal.

He had spent his whole life growing up along the beach, and the ‘calm before the storm’ was a weird moment where nature stilled and almost all signs of humanity vanished, the world waiting for the inevitable drop of the sky as it would inevitably come crashing down into the earth. The window proved only a thin panel between him and the onrushing storm, and Steven felt himself drawn closer to the cool plane of glass.

“Wow,” he mouthed, no real sound slipping from his lips, but he imagined his own voice.

The sands were painted sepia, an occasional flicker of gold against smoldering silver, and the world around bustled with the force of harrowing winds, but from inside his glass castle, Steven could watch nature run its course unaffected.

Curiosity got his betters, and Steven leaned ever closer to the glass, reaching out his palms.

In tandem, his fingers touched the surface of the window while the world beyond exploded into brightness, a sharp shock of lightning scarring out the darkness for a moment, followed by a low rumble of thunder after another few seconds. The strike was so intense it shook the supporting beams of his bedroom.

This was something he did miss while on Homeworld, besides the obvious list of people and freedoms… This accidental, fleeting, _natural_ thing. Weather. Just a thing running its course, on its own, just _because_.

He sighed and rolled onto his backside, falling into his mattress with an unceremonious _fuwump_. Looking up, shadows took shape in the crevices of the ceilings, long and pointed, dangerous and invasive. It was not the first time he felt like someone was watching him, and staring at the darkness did little to ease the nausea that roiled in his stomach as he thought about it.

 _I can see there’s nothing there. Nothing there._ It sounded like his Dad’s voice, back when he was little and would have his Dad check outside the van for monsters. _See, there’s nothing there._ _Just being paranoid_. _There’s nothing there, just the ceiling, just little shadows from the lights. It’s fine. I’m fine._

Steven tried to say the words to himself, but they felt laughably unconvincing.

In his defense, White Diamond had not exactly left him with the most _reassuring_ of send-offs. Recalling it made his spine tingle with unease.

_I’m in your head now, Steven. But I assure you, this is very real._

She acted like she controlled the universe… anything that happened was because she _allowed_ it. That there was _no such thing_ as nature, or ‘just because’, or doing something just for the sake of it. Every action had a motive, every motive had a reason. And it was true on Homeworld, too - every gem had a purpose. A role to fulfill. A _duty_.

And, honestly?

Steven almost _missed_ it.

The waiting was maddening, because he felt so useless. At least on Homeworld, he was doing something - they were orders, sure, but it was also predictable. He started to actually appreciate the routine of it all. Go here, sit there, don’t move, it will only hurt for a _second_ , remember that you crossed _Her_ and to never do it again, because _knowledge predicates a lesson_ , and White Diamond had all the pieces laid out and told him what he was doing and why he was useful and special and...

Steven wiped his hands anxiously on his comforter, not caring for how clammy they’d become. He didn’t know how to contact White Diamond without doing something drastic, like trying to use the Wailing Stone or trying to repair the Communications Hub, and both of those seemed like very, _very_ extreme pipe dreams. This moment being the exception, he was never completely alone, so there’s no way he could do such a thing unnoticed. The Gems slipped in and out of the Temple or warped away with little explanation, always seeming in a rush these days. Connie visited him every day, often with his Dad and they would sit and chatter over him and his Dad would play guitar, but Steven hated how inexplicably sad his Dad looked when Steven didn’t react to him beyond nods and, when he could muster it, a smile.

Connie was different, but, of course she was. Steven’s had nothing but time to think about how _different_ she is - and he didn’t just mean her being dead, which she was, because of him. No, what he _meant_ was, when she was around, everything felt a little softer, a little brighter, and waiting became procrastination, in a fun, almost silly kind of way. Like spotting constellations in the sky and drawing out patterns instead of doing chores.

 _Well, I can always try to figure out what I’m even doing for the murderous tyrant_ after _Connie goes home…_

The questions she asked were always gentle, and she never touched him, which he actually appreciated. She seemed to pick up on how tense he was whenever anyone tried to touch him and just stopped trying altogether… the idea hurt, a little, but not as much as seeing her face fall when he flinched away from her.  

It helped, _she_ helped, and made everything feel even _more_ normal. Like they could go back to playing in the clouds in his Mom’s room, or stay up late watching shows together. But even that was troubling, because she was making it normal, and normal was _wrong_.

The fourteen days he’d been on Earth were starting to feel more like a restless vacation than the semi-secret, intergalactic, likely ill-intended errand for a ruthless dictator that he’d been expecting. He had his suspicions as to why, but he tried not to think about it - about the fact that she might be inviting him to get comfortable, just to rip it all away again - but, no, _don’t think about it._

Instead, Steven found himself waiting, and thinking about Earth, and Homeworld, and Connie, and the Gems, and his Dad, and the Diamonds, and Lilac Pearl, and the Infinity Spire, and about _everything_. He never even realized there was so much in the universe to think about until he lost his voice, because now that’s all he could really do. While the others talked to him or about him, he had a half-mind invested in what they were saying, and the other one was thinking, trying to plan ahead, trying to see what game White Diamond was trying to play.

 _The pawns move first_.

He didn’t understand dink about chess. Why did it have to be _chess_? Checkers is so much easier - diagonals and jumps, and that’s it. He could _do_ diagonals and jumps. Not murdering monarchs and toppeling civil order in an alien society.

Who was a pawn? Was he, or was she playing against him? Someone else? _Who_? And _whose side was he even on?_

“Steven…? Oh, you’re awake,” a voice interrupted, and he jumped in surprise.

(Okay, and maybe a _little_ bit out of fear, but _mostly_ surprise.)

Pearl was positioned at the bottom steps, hands gripped together tightly in front of her. “How are you… are you feeling alright? Can I come up?”

His throat was dry, painfully so. Steven kept his eyes on the first raindrops that hit the windowpane, but nodded.

_It’s just Pearl. Pearl. Pearl. Pearl._

_She was White Diamond’s Pearl, and she fought with Mom. She’s shattered gems, too. Probably a lot more than you._

_But she’s not going to hurt you. She won’t hurt you. She won’t hurt you._

_Because this is Pearl. Just need to calm down._

“T-thank you, Steven. I’m sorry if I startled you, I just came from the Temple... You know,” A strange pitch took her tone, like her voice had been caught going up to the next octave. She tucked her bow out from her skirt as she sat on the very edge of his bed, her weight barely even creaking the springs. “I used to love when it rained, when you were younger.”

Steven craned his neck, trying and failing to meet her eye. Instead, he focused his attention on her gem, which was at least pretty close.

Pearl apparently detected the confusion on his face, judging by her bemused tone a few seconds later.

“That is to say, when you were _very_ small. Before we built the house, when I would watch you when you were, oh, maybe four or five…? It didn’t happen often, that I was the only one around _during_ a storm, but you were _so_ afraid of them. It was terrible of me,” she admitted, turning a pale shade of blue. “But I would try to get the others to leave us alone, because I liked being able to tell you I would be the one to protect you... It’s probably… it’s probably stupid, I’m not even sure why I’m telling you this! Just memories.”

Pearl let out a dry laugh, swiping her eyes with the back of a hand. “I just… I doubt you could remember, you were so young. I think about it everytime it rains like this.”

They were quiet for a moment, and Steven could hear the rain picking up.

He didn’t remember. He wanted to, but he didn’t.

“I think about it all the time,” she added, mostly to herself. Steven fidgeted a little above his sheets, unsure of how to respond (even if he _could_ respond, he reminded himself with frustration).

Near silence spared him that burden for a moment, disturbed by the spattering of furious droplets, washing the sands out to the ocean.

Quietly, Pearl’s voice strained against the storm. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said, back on Homeworld. I’m sure you have too. ”

Steven blinked as a bright blue flash appeared above him, and it took him a moment to realize it originated not from the lightning or the thunder, but from Pearl’s gem. The hologram flickered for a moment, and Steven sat up to better see the image.

He recognized it immediately, of course. With or without a better vantage point, there was only one person who would be standing at the top of a very tall cliff, toes testing the edges, with a large rock held in front of his navel.

It was him.

Beside him, Pearl’s voice cracked as he watched the smaller, airborne version of herself reach out.

_“S-Steven, no! I-It doesn’t have to be like this!”_

She took a hard tone, and Steven watched his own mouth move in the reflection.

“ ** _YES,_** _Pearl,_ it does! How can you… How can you not _see_? I tried to tell you from the beginning – it’s **_over_** , Pearl. Homeworld won…”

The holo-Steven’s attention looked up and away, towards what he knew was White Diamond, but that particular graphic was not memorialized in the soft light of Pearl’s projection.

“ _We_ won.”

And with a delicate note, not unlike the sound of a ship powering down, the image snuffed out. Steven continued to stare at the spot it had been, numbly. He replayed the scene in his mind on a loop, already knowing every intotation, every mannerism, every word. The betrayal was stinging, even to him.

Pearl was not the only one who could not stop thinking about it. Steven found himself in that Kindergarten waking or sleeping, daydreaming or trying to shake off the shadows that gripped him in his sleep. The bitter taste of his own words tasted like stomach acid on his tongue, and it made his nausea even worse, but trying to swallow with such a dry throat was impossible. So it bubbled up and sat there, at the base of his throat, and he choked silently while facing his own domino effect of bad decisions.

“I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you, Steven. I was just…” Pearl let out a low exhale, and Steven thought it sounded like she was trying not to cry. “I was so blinded by the idea of getting you back, that everything else seemed… less important.”

Her voice turned muffled, and by turning slightly, he could see Pearl was holding her head in her hands.

“I didn’t want to accept that the situation in that Kindergarten was hopeless, because… well, that’s not what it was like in war, and for so long, that’s all I knew. You fight until you die. That was it.” With a shuddering inhale, Pearl lifted her face up, eyes staring blankly in the opposite direction. “That’s how I thought it had to be, but I see now that I was wrong. You saw something I couldn’t, and you put the Earth and our lives above your own.”

A small furrow formed in her brow broke the blankness of her stare, and Steven found himself unable to look away from her.

“But you were wrong about something, too. Homeworld didn’t win, because it’s _not_ over. A defeat is only a defeat when there is nothing left to fight for. That doesn’t mean you fight until you can’t go on… but that you also means we can’t give up, because we still have something left _to_ fight for.”

Slow and deliberate, Pearl turned slightly to face him and reached a hand over to tousle his hair. Steven was surprised by the contact, but not afraid. It was nice, not being afraid, but the tender buds that began to flower between his lungs wilted rather quickly.

 _Something left_? The anxious, doubtful voice in his head - the one that sounded like him, the one that spoke with Opalite at odd hours of the morning - wondered. If he was a white chess piece, unwittingly, then he was not all something worth fighting for, so they wouldn’t be giving up. They were already home, safe, and free. He was just… here, temporarily.

The waiting will have to end eventually, and Steven’s at his last wits with it - he needed it to end as much as he didn’t want it to. In some outcomes, Steven guessed he was their enemy; in others, he was, at best, a thief who takes off with their trust and their hearts in the night, selling them to the highest bidder, but the highest bidder is _always Her_. Neither sounded very good to him, but he didn’t see any other options - and waiting was not going to be one for much longer.

Pearl’s voice, wistful, interrupted his thoughts. How long had they been sitting silently? Minutes? Hours? The storm raged on, buffeting the house with gales that rattled against the carving surrounding his home. It was intense, but not unpleasant. Weather. Natural. _Necessary._

He missed feeling necessary.

“I’ll… leave you to rest now. But I do just want to remind you, Steven… no one is mad at you. I’m not mad. Your father isn’t mad. Connie, Amethyst, _Peridot_ \- none of us are angry. We just want to help you, however we can. You’ve met a lot of gems now, and you probably realize, none are really evil _by design_. They, _we_ … we just do our best with what we have. Sometimes that’s being ordered not to care. Sometimes that’s being ordered to do things we don’t agree with.”

She stood from the bed, pausing, and Steven watched her hands form shaking fists. Pearl peered back over her shoulder and adopted a small, almost guarded smile.

“What I’m trying to say is, no one blames you for what happened. Under orders by the Diamonds, some gems have been asked to do… terrible, unforgivable things. In some cases, individuals are to blame for compliance with an order, but even as the messenger, those gems did not ask for the memo put into their hands. Remember - this all goes back to White, Blue, and Yellow Diamond.” Pivoting, she turned back around and leaned over the bed, casting a shadow over it and him, blotting out the harshness of the overhead lights. She was strangely illuminated with the darkness behind her, like a silhouette rather than a friend, but her voice was so kind it brought him back to the present.

“It does _not_ go back to you. From the beginning, this was _never_ your fault.”

And with that, rather briskly, Pearl turned and headed down the stairs, making a beeline for the Temple once again. Steven watched her go, the calming sound of lapping fountains quickly silenced as the white gem disappeared through the door, never looking back.

Steven sat up after a while. He was not, in truth, confident in how long he had been sitting there after Pearl left. A large part of his mind was preoccupied, turning over her words, testing them against different doubts, measuring the heavy burden of skepticism against the painful degree of _wanting_ it to be true. Sometimes he focused a bit more on trying not to throw up or to calm his raging heartbeat, but otherwise, he just drifted for a time.

Steven knew she was right. He knew it, and he wanted to accept it, but there was some sort of tear in the logic that refused to be requited. White Diamond made him shatter that Rose Quartz. Blue Diamond made Heliodor come after him and his Dad in the first place. Yellow Diamond had been the first one to make him fuse with Holly Blue Agate. He hadn’t wanted any of it;

it all went back to the Diamonds. He _knew_ that. It just, wouldn’t settle in his mind. A gust that constantly blew around the sand, the image never solidified, and the certainty felt like it kept slipping from his fingers.

Pearl was speaking of the past. There was a finality to that that Steven could accept, but like she said, this wasn’t over. White Diamond still had plans for him. She sent him here. She _wanted_ something.

_Sometimes that’s being ordered to do things we don’t agree with._

And what was that now, for him?

Waiting?

He certainly did not agree to anymore of that, but… he hadn’t any idea what else to do.

 

* * *

 

 _Idle hands make the demons cook_ … that’s how the thing went, right? Amethyst wracked her brains, but shrugged and decided she didn’t care enough to wonder. It was the seventh day that the old saying came to mind, though. The seventh day that had her nervously pacing  around her room, eyes flickering from pile to pile as if one of them might hold the answer to the questions everyone kept asking.

_What do we do now?_

A bit off to the side, at one of the “four-way clearings” between her stuff, most of the others were gathered in a small huddle. Peridot and Pearl sat next to each other, hands working over some random gem tech they’d gathered. Lapis was seated opposite them, and Garnet was coming into view around a corner, lugging the escape pod Danburite and Blue Pearl had arrived in over her shoulder.

“Here,” she said, unceremoniously dropping it beside the trio. The ground shuddered beneath the pod’s mass, and they all jumped, expressing some mumbles of thanks and annoyance.

“Oh, I’m just not sure if this will work,” Pearl said, sounding stricken. She leaned away from her handiwork and glanced at the pod.

“Well, it’s better than doing nothing, right?” Lapis countered, and Amethyst had to give her props for staying so motivated. Personally, the purple gem wanted to do little more than sleep for a few hundred years, maybe wait for the Time Thing to regenerate and undo this whole mess. But that would require a lot of patience, and that’s… not _quite_ Amethyst’s speciality.

Arms stretching above her head, Peridot set back to work, adding, “At least it’s something. Sitting and doing nothing is driving me crazy.”

“That makes two of us,” Amethyst grumbled, punting a warped plastic chair at a nearby stack of oddities.

A brief silenced passed over them, Amethyst growing more anxious by the minute. She didn’t like everyone being in her room like this. Sure, providing the space was helpful, she was _glad_ to do it, even, but all that meant was giving them access to _her_ private place, the only room within the Temple place that happened to be big enough, or safe enough, for them to work out of.

Worse yet, she knew Dans and Blue Pearl were rummaging around somewhere, but Garnet had been the one to encourage them to _explore_ a bit, to feel “more comfortable.”

Even thinking about it, Amethyst couldn’t stop herself from rolling her eyes. As if anyone was _comfortable_ these days.

“Annnd… _there_ ,” Pearl announced, dusting herself off as she rose to her feet. “Now we just have to connect this to the communications…”

At that, Amethyst glimpsed her thin frame all-but-disappear as she leaned over the now-exposed hub of the tiny ship, and a few moments later, the abomination of robonoid-microwave-speaker-system that Peridot had rigged seemed to be working.

Garnet’s attention flickered her way, and nodding once, Amethyst felt the immediate relief to be done playing watchdog. The whole thing felt really wrong.

Upon her approach, she watched Peridot twist a dial this way and that, like tuning an old-fashioned radio. _Old-fashioned. Hah. Vidalia would choke me with her walkman if she heard that_.

At first, there was nothing but static and the undeniable weight of tension as they all leaned in, unsure what might come from the other side of the stereo.

That was a week ago, and everyday, Peridot had crouched in the middle of a four-way-junk-pile and listened to the radio, trying to intercept any news from Homeworld that might cross through their system.

Blue Pearl had, once Steven granted permission, filled in a lot of useful details on what was happening on Homeworld. It was uncomfortable for her to think about the horrible shocking static of a destabilizer running up her body - in Blue Pearl’s case, her right leg - or to be forced to swallow down and choke on emotions that were not your own.

She said she sincerely did not know what White Diamond could do. Their own Pearl had some ideas, but they were only guesses.

That was a lot of what the Crystal Gems did anymore. Worked off guesses and weak assumptions and waited for something to change because _this can’t be it._ White Diamond is going to make a move, or come after Steven, or blow up the freakin’ planet, or _something!_

Amethyst knew it. They all knew it. But they didn’t know what, or when, or how, and she just thanked the lucky stars that she didn’t have to deal with future vision. She felt no envy for Sapphire at the moment, because hurling into the infinite future sounded so necessary that it was terrifying, because the past was giving them nothing, and the present was giving them nothing, so they needed to look ahead, look for _something_ , but what would they possibly find?

Five days after Peridot built the one-way communicator, she ran out of Amethyst’s room so quickly she fell flat on her face into the warp pad.

“ _Mmdfdtion!”_ She shouted into the stone, and Blue Pearl, Danburite, Garnet, and Lapis all looked up. Pearl was probably with Greg, as they’d been relying heavily on other during support during this.

Amethyst didn’t envy either of them, either.

Peridot wretched herself to standing. “ _The communication system - we, we’ve got something!_ ”

And all at once, save Danburite, who stayed behind to make sure Steven was tended to, the gems hurried into Amethyst’s room and gathered around the jerry-rigged Homeworld-pod-transmitter… thing.

“...usly… sain… arecey…”

Growling, Peridot adjusted the dial.

“ _\--perior officer. Her Grand Supremacy has ordered no one is to leave their designated system until all units report as reprogrammed. Anyone found travelling by warp, ship, or other such means will be persecuted immediately with extreme prejudice. This is Vesuvianite 7-PN, Facet 87, reporting from Yiana System. Again, I repeat, all communications to and from sector H-RD-002 have been disabled. If your unit requires specific archival information or updates on existing research, all requests must go through the appropriate superior officer. Her Grand Supremacy has ordered no one is...”_

A shared look of horror ghosted the expressions of all of them, and Amethyst had to imagine she looked about the same. She felt dizzy. Can gems even _get_ dizzy?

“...Well,” Peridot eventually said, turning down the speakers when it returned to errant static noise. “That… is something, I suppose.”

“Ugh,” Lapis said, gripping her arms like she’d been rocked by a chilly wind. “What _was_ all of that? _Reprogrammed_?”

Garnet clenched her fists, but slowly released them before answering. “I’m afraid it is exactly what it sounds like, and exactly as we feared. White Diamond is trying to take back complete control.”

“Wait, wait - take _back_?” Amethyst shook her head, blinking.

“Yes… you could say that. White Diamond was the first Diamond. She once controlled everything related to Gem-kind, and she only began to divide the colonies to Yellow, and then Blue, once her conquests became too many to manage single-handedly. With them both gone, though…”

Unwittingly, a sneer found its way to the short gem’s expression - rather suddenly, she felt herself _missing_ Yellow and Blue Diamond compared to the freakin’ monstrosity White Diamond had turned out to be.

Her, missing Blue and Yellow _Diamond_? Oh, joy. Maybe she was going crazy.

“Reprogramming isn’t strictly a new thing on Homeworld, to be fair,” Peridot said, sounding plenty uncomfortable as all eyes turned to her. “I mentioned it to Garnet, but… that’s what Steven’s arm is supposed to be. Well, I think it is. I don’t know how it interfaces with his organic-half, but I’ve seen that scarring before. It’s… what Diamonds would do to make sure no one else, uh,” she stopped to clear her throat. “T-turned traitor.”

“So what then, she’s going to _literally_ brainwash every gem out there until they step in line?” Lapis spat, arching a hand over her head to demonstrate the sheer _size_ of the Gem Empire. “That would take centuries.”

“Right, right,” Peridot nodded, rubbing her chin. “I don’t know how it works, personally. Just that’s designed to recondition, to quell rebel instincts, to unify…”

Amethyst bit her lip. “I mean, judging by the name, it still doesn’t exactly sound _good_.”

By that point, Garnet moved to stand beside her and rested a hand on her shoulder. “No, it doesn’t. White Diamond is not like Blue or Yellow Diamond. There is no telling how far she will go to get what she wants.”

Lapis finished the thought for her. “...And what she wants right now happens to be Steven.”

The purple gem scowled, and shrugged off Garnet’s  hand. “So, what, that’s it? We managed by some miracle to gather some actually _useful_ intel and we can’t even do anything with it?”

“Well, hold on,” Peridot held up her pointer finger. “Maybe we _can_ do something with this. If she wants everyone to fall in line, to be reconditioned, _and_ she wants Steven for whatever reason - for these experiments or trials, as you described them - I doubt that’s a coincidence. So what would it be about Steven that makes her goal… more achievable?”

“Um…” timidly, Blue Pearl, who hovered awkwardly nearby, raised her head. “I was… she tried to reprogram myself and Yellow. It is how we arrived here. The bo- ah, _Steven_ , healed me. But I do know of the general… method. I cannot speak of his experiences, but I can speak of my own...”

Amethyst felt her eyes widen by degrees, and her mouth ‘pop’ open.

Out of her periphery, Amethyst saw Garnet visibly wince, and immediately felt regret for shrugging her off earlier.

“Tell us everything.”

And so Blue Pearl did. She told them everything she had to offer that pertained to her, almost comically jumping around scenes to redact Steven from coming up, but Amethyst had to admit she respected it. Mopey Pearl clearly had some sense of loyalty, and she was showing it, and that was… nice, to see in a Homeworld gem. Unusual, but nice.

The river of yellow that broke across her skin, violent shocks of lightning that made her seize up and see stars and retreat to her gem and reform all as a single messy blur of sensation, only to be disturbed by the thin trail of tears that lined her cheeks. Yellow, throwing herself at their  captor so Blue could make a break for it; Blue returning to find Yellow had been pushed too far, her form…

“Corrupting,” Blue Pearl barely breathed the sound, and it felt like wet blanket thrown ontop of them, dragging them down uselessly and providing no real comfort, no real protection. Just a chill, and a discomfort, and another weight to bare.

Already, Garnet looked like she carried the world on her shoulders; Amethyst wondered, with a bit of admiration, and twice as much sadness, how much she could take.

Gems don’t age, and yet, Garnet seemed… older. Weather-worn, torn apart and sewn back together again, well-loved and well-kept but the fibers seemed thinner and the fit feels a little awkward. Amethyst watched as a tiny look of devastation settled in their leader’s lips, her brows, but never her eyes. Eyes always unseeable or unreadable.

“Steven tried to tell me something on the first day.” Garnet said, looking up towards the caverns of Amethyst’s room. “Before I put him to bed, before he… stopped speaking. I wish I had just listened to him.”

Lapis began wringing her hands together. “We could try to ask him one more time if he wants to talk about it… I just, I know if he’s keeping all of that inside it’s only going to get worse, and heavier,” she spoke with a timbre of a cold winter wind. “I just wish he would talk to us. I mean, or write, or whatever. But his answers are always vague about Homeworld…”

Thrumming her fingers along her knee, Peridot hummed her own uncertainty. “I know it’s not ideal… but there really aren’t any other options, though, are there? The only people who might know what is going on are in the Temple, and unless any of you are holding onto valuable information that you’ve just conveniently forgotten to share until now, then there’s no one else we can ask.”

Garnet straightened suddenly, a smile flickering into existence on her face.

“Oh. Peridot. You _are_ a genius.”

The green gem blushed at the sudden compliment. “H-How correct of you to notice!”

“No, I mean, anyone who has a chance of knowing what is going on _are_ inside the Temple. And my future vision is telling me there might just be someone we can ask, after all.”


End file.
